Monday, July 13, 2009


Let this be a warning to all you contest-y people. You can't just going around giving shit away to people OTHER THAN ME and act like CATS AREN'T GOING TO DIE. Because they ARE.

And when they die by means of a fake gun with even faker bullets, well, that get's problematic. He just kept yawning at me and then he sat up and started licking his ass.

So, yes, it's true: I'm bitter that I won jack shit in those lame-o contests.


But it's really, REALLY true (look at that SEGUE! I should be on radio!) that I went swimming today with my son and it EXHAUSTED me. Here are a few reasons why swimming isn't really that cool now that I'm 30:

1. I wear glasses. Have you tried to swim with glasses? Because, before age 30, I'd just take them off. I mean, right? What the hell do you need to see? You're in a frigging pool. After 30, however, kids start showing up and expecting you to save them if they are taking on water. Glasses help with that part. Kind of. But mostly they just get splashed a lot by said child, which kind of brings us back to the beginning. Thankfully, everyone made it out alive.

2. Fat suit:

3. Doing a cannon ball at this age (or THIS WEIGHT) would probably result in hip surgery. And water up my nose? Well, that just makes me whiny.

4. Holy crap, swimming is a lot of work. Swimming with a buoyed 2.5 year-old that is climbing up your torso is somewhat life-threatening, but also, exhausting.

In summary, because of this relative sleepiness, you, my beloved (and perhaps morally questionable) blog reader get the following:

1. Lists.

2. My admission that I am somewhat buoyant without the assistance of swimmies (that's me referring to my chub).

3. Evidence that I am fully unable to be funny while sleepy.

4. A photo of me in a BATHING SUIT--the ultimate sacrifice just so you have a little something to chuckle at while you're having your morning coffee.

This, my friends, is the tears of a clown*. While there's no one THE ENTIRE INTERNET around.


  1. You beat me to it. I was going to post photos of myself and my son in our bathing suits and then make fun of myself today.

  2. Isn't it so easy to come up with shitty writing, erin?!

  3. I wear a full-body swimmie anytime I go in the water. I'm incredibly non-buoyant and would sink like a stone otherwise.

  4. I don't see any alleged chub. Boo this woman, boo her!

    Just kidding.

  5. SomeGuy: That would make a stellar video and you know it!

    Sally-Sal: That's why I posted the picture! You can't see any! But I should be booed for the crappy post. Just go back and laugh at Old Gregg.

  6. Of course you're somewhat buoyant; you do breathe, right? Lungs are like balloons inside your body.

    Also...was that star after Tears of a Clown supposed to lead us somewhere? Cause I'm kind of still wanting.

    And, I used to wear my glasses while in the pool with daughter. Thank you for justifying that, because here I was thinking I was just a pervert. Now I know that I really wore them to keep her safe.

  7. TIM: It was to explain the title? Sigh. This is so embarrassing. Get it? I'M A CLOWN...I'M CRYING?


  8. Beware the furrowed brow. After years of my constant You-Are-One-Dumb-Bitch expression (I worked with a lot of stupid bimbos), I have deep frown lines instead of laugh lines. Now I have to reserve my disdain for only the most severe cases. Age-- it slowly robs us of all life's pleasures.

  9. Wow that water is like BLUE! The water in our pool is not so much blue. More like a murkey green blue. My dad keeps telling me to shock the water but I just keep putting it off because I know sooner or later he will do it and I won't have to.

  10. i didn't win anything either, will you kill monster for me? cause he needs a good death threat or something right about now.

    ps. i hope you didn't get any nasty sunburn in that water. the world's not ready for another toxic avenger incident :)

  11. i remember winning a long time ago.... but i have nothing to threaten to kill in order to get more awards. maybe i could go steal some cats.

    and i'm pretty sure that face needs to be projected somewhere on this blog. spruce it up a bit...

  12. Oh, I didn't see the asterisk in the title. I couldn't wait to get to the soupy goodness of the text in the main body!

    And that's the story I'm sticking to.

  13. Kim: Oh, it's totally already too late. Though, thanks to my chubby cheeks I think I've got the parentheses as well.

    Nikki: Community pool. Best kind. Lots more pee.

    Lana: I'd love to kill that dog, but kind of for real. He hates me, which seems like a big enough offense for a dog.

    Jerrod: This blog needs sprucing of the writing kind, methinks.

    TIM: It's cool. I hear that the more explaining you have to do about something you've written, the better it is!


  14. I wear my iron lung when I go swimming...that thing is fucking HARD to swim with/in...