1. What the fuck is up with this Whole Grains nonsense?! Does anyone even know what the hell they are?! Like, are they supposed to be so much better than Partial Grains, for example? I'm no alarmist (heh) but these are ripe grounds for conspiracy. Because I see that label on EVERY thing. Baby cereal? NOW WITH WHOLE GRAINS! Granola bars? AS ALWAYS, WITH WHOLE GRAINS! Diet Coke Plus? WHOLE GRAINS EXPLODE OUT OF YOUR ASS EVERY TIME YOU TAKE A SIP!
2. What is the rule set that qualifies certain foods as, specifically, FINGER foods? I was eating dinner with my 2.5 year-old and 8 month-old last night, and since they're great conversationalists at this age, my mind wandered...to my food. I was eating a piece of bread with my hands. Then I went to spear the shit out of some broccoli and thought...WHY NOT THE HAND? Here's what I've come up with:
--> Size is not the deciding factor, as pizza and submarine sandwiches are freaking large and probably *should* be eaten with a fork.
--> Messy-factor is also not a major player. I'm looking at YOU, Sloppy Joe! (Sloppy Joe, Slop, Sloppy Joe.)
--> Health quotient is not a factor. Like, you can eat shitty food with your hands just as well as you can eat some less tasty food products like baby carrots, for example.
--> Cooking vs. Fresh, not consistent. Take the carrots again. Raw carrots? Fingers. Cooked carrots? FORK.
Eh. It seemed more interesting before I typed it all out. What? You think I'd just delete it all and save myself the embarrassment? Heh. Moving right along...
4. You know how animals supposedly "go away" to die? Yeah, well, do frogs do this, too? Because I found a frog on my front door this morning, hiding behind my wreath. And for a frog, this seems like an atypical place to, uh, chill:
When we finally got him off the door, he just hopped into the corner of the porch and then climbed into my son's toy watering can. That seems like morbid behavior to me. As long as he's off my door. I was definitely scared the little hoppy fucker was going to jump on my neck every time I went in or out. Why the neck? Not sure. Just seems like the kind of place a frog would like to hang out. That, and a storm door, obviously.
5. Now, I think I've done a fairly good job at establishing the fact that I have anger issues. But this little incident had me so fucking pissed yesterday.
Phone: FUCKING RING RING
Phone: [Automated voice bitch.] Blah blah, credit card insurance, blah. Press 1 to speak with a live operator or press 2 to be removed from our calling list.
Now, I KNEW this automated bitch had called here about a month ago and I KNEW I'd already pressed fucking 2 to be removed from their ridiculous list of possible-chumps. So I pressed 1 thinking a live person would do the trick.
Me: [Presses 1].
Phone: Hi, I'm [some asshole]; how can I help you today?
Me: I tried to get removed from your list recently, and apparently it didn't work.
Asshole: Ah, that's annoying huh...you think you're off the list and we just keep calling you?
Me: Um, right...so...
Asshole: Yeah! [chuckles.]
Me: So? Can you remove me?
Asshole: [Laughing sigh] Yeah, no I can't do that.
Me: [Slightly stunned.] But it's required by law...I mean, if I ask you, you have to do it.
Asshole: It ain't required by no law...you think YOU know the law? [laughter] What do you know about the law?!
Asshole: [To fellow asshole.] Hey Tony, can you get me some wee...*click*
I pretty much knew I couldn't call 911 in a situation like this, but I TOTALLY WANTED TO.
Aside from the fury, two other things came to mind:
A . My mother is ALWAYS telling me things are "required by law" and I always cringe because I'm pretty sure this knowledge is based on a conversation she probably had with a cop in a bar like 35 years ago.
B . ISN'T IT REQUIRED BY LAW?!
(Happy Friday, people.)