Friday, July 31, 2009

Deep Thoughts. (Not Really.)


1. What the fuck is up with this Whole Grains nonsense?! Does anyone even know what the hell they are?! Like, are they supposed to be so much better than Partial Grains, for example? I'm no alarmist (heh) but these are ripe grounds for conspiracy. Because I see that label on EVERY thing. Baby cereal? NOW WITH WHOLE GRAINS! Granola bars? AS ALWAYS, WITH WHOLE GRAINS! Diet Coke Plus? WHOLE GRAINS EXPLODE OUT OF YOUR ASS EVERY TIME YOU TAKE A SIP!

2. What is the rule set that qualifies certain foods as, specifically, FINGER foods? I was eating dinner with my 2.5 year-old and 8 month-old last night, and since they're great conversationalists at this age, my mind wandered...to my food. I was eating a piece of bread with my hands. Then I went to spear the shit out of some broccoli and thought...WHY NOT THE HAND? Here's what I've come up with:

--> Size is not the deciding factor, as pizza and submarine sandwiches are freaking large and probably *should* be eaten with a fork.

--> Messy-factor is also not a major player. I'm looking at YOU, Sloppy Joe! (Sloppy Joe, Slop, Sloppy Joe.)

--> Health quotient is not a factor. Like, you can eat shitty food with your hands just as well as you can eat some less tasty food products like baby carrots, for example.

--> Cooking vs. Fresh, not consistent. Take the carrots again. Raw carrots? Fingers. Cooked carrots? FORK.

Eh. It seemed more interesting before I typed it all out. What? You think I'd just delete it all and save myself the embarrassment? Heh. Moving right along...

4. You know how animals supposedly "go away" to die? Yeah, well, do frogs do this, too? Because I found a frog on my front door this morning, hiding behind my wreath. And for a frog, this seems like an atypical place to, uh, chill:


When we finally got him off the door, he just hopped into the corner of the porch and then climbed into my son's toy watering can. That seems like morbid behavior to me. As long as he's off my door. I was definitely scared the little hoppy fucker was going to jump on my neck every time I went in or out. Why the neck? Not sure. Just seems like the kind of place a frog would like to hang out. That, and a storm door, obviously.

5. Now, I think I've done a fairly good job at establishing the fact that I have anger issues. But this little incident had me so fucking pissed yesterday.

Phone: FUCKING RING RING

Me: Hello?

Phone: [Automated voice bitch.] Blah blah, credit card insurance, blah. Press 1 to speak with a live operator or press 2 to be removed from our calling list.

Now, I KNEW this automated bitch had called here about a month ago and I KNEW I'd already pressed fucking 2 to be removed from their ridiculous list of possible-chumps. So I pressed 1 thinking a live person would do the trick.

Me: [Presses 1].

Phone: Hi, I'm [some asshole]; how can I help you today?

Me: I tried to get removed from your list recently, and apparently it didn't work.

Asshole: Ah, that's annoying huh...you think you're off the list and we just keep calling you?

Me: Um, right...so...

Asshole: Yeah! [chuckles.]

Me: So? Can you remove me?

Asshole: [Laughing sigh] Yeah, no I can't do that.

Me: [Slightly stunned.] But it's required by law...I mean, if I ask you, you have to do it.

Asshole: It ain't required by no law...you think YOU know the law? [laughter] What do you know about the law?!

Me: BLINK.

Asshole: [To fellow asshole.] Hey Tony, can you get me some wee...*click*

I pretty much knew I couldn't call 911 in a situation like this, but I TOTALLY WANTED TO.

Aside from the fury, two other things came to mind:

A . My mother is ALWAYS telling me things are "required by law" and I always cringe because I'm pretty sure this knowledge is based on a conversation she probably had with a cop in a bar like 35 years ago.

B . ISN'T IT REQUIRED BY LAW?!

(Happy Friday, people.)


21 comments:

  1. NOW you tell me kids are great conversationalists! I just agreed to watch my niece and nephew for the next week!!!!!

    And that frog - GROSS!!!

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  2. it totally is required by law, i think. i know b runs into this kind of thing with his job and it's usually a big no-no.

    and yes, i think that frog did pee on your door. next stop, neck-town baby! where all the cool reptiles go to croak. (ok, that was bad, sorry)

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  3. Since you mad me laugh especially with the whole grains out your ass with diet coke, ill tell you my experience with the do not call law.

    Two years ago I was fined $10,000 for violating it. Any phone solicitor is not allowed to call anyone on the federal do not call list or anyone who wishes to be put on the do not call list. The company is supposed to be fined once they have called you twice (you have to prove it), but more than likely they'll just threaten the company unless it gets out of hand. I admit I blatantly disregarded it and had my little telemarketers call straight out of the phone listings with no do not call filter.

    Record the calls kristine!

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  4. I agree completely with #3.

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  5. Jules: Sucker!

    Lana: Right? Rude little amphibian. Frogs are amphibians, right? It's been a long time since elementary school.

    Mr. C: AHA! Now I know what you DO for a living. I am totally not surprised that you scoffed the law, I must say.

    Jon: AHHHH, whoops! Hehe. Now I totally have to leave it, which might give me a panic attack, but baby steps, right?

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  6. Did you use a whole-grain cleaning product to get the frog piss off your window?

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  7. I like telling people that random things are required by law. You would be shocked at how many times they believe me.

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  8. It ain't required by no law? I hate when I get a tele-person and they talk more idiotically then my teenage brother's friend's retarded little sister.

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  9. Ha- your house is the golden shower house for frogs.

    You should not cut pizza with a fork. I was in Rhode Island a few years ago for a work thing, and all the people who worked in that building were Swiss and not big on conversation. You know what it sounds like when the only sound in the lunchroom is ten people trying to cut pizza crust with a fork?

    Plate scrapping fork sound and awkward- that's what it sounds like.

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  10. I hate it when phone people (especially HELP LINES) get sassy with me. I'm pretty much convinced it's a good thing I can't explode things with my mind.

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  11. Your thought process is like a black hole. I like it.

    As for those automated fuckers...turn about is fair play. Keep calling um' back and asking for that specific asshole. Could be fun. More fun that eating whole wheat crap or following around dying animals.

    But probably not as fun as singing the Sloppy Joe song.

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  12. There's whole grains in Diet COKE?????

    I'm probably the last person on earth to know this......


    Those health food fanatics will get us all, in the end....

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  13. wow i don't think i should ever drink diet coke

    also, i wish my phone would say "fucking ring ring"...i wonder if i can get it to do that

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  14. CadLady: I think I'll just throw away the door.

    LL: That's what my mother does. But, seriously. It's not funny so much that way.

    erin: Throwing out the R word, are we? Easy, sister.

    NotBenny: He's probably gonna come back and toilet paper the house now, huh?! HAHA! Heh. Also, I *hate* that scrapy noise of which you speak. I may have stangled a Swede that day.

    Prosy: I SO wanted to explode him! Okay, so I still do. Like I said, "anger issues."

    OWO: Those fuckers always have some bullshit number that shows up on the call ID, so I have no recourse but to take it. If the number DID work, I'd probably just drive there with a gun. Or, my husband.

    MzB: And you thought soda was BAD FOR YOU!? HA!

    MissChief: That's what it says in my head. Acutally, it sounds a lot like my cats.

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  15. Well, at least I referenced an imaginary 'r' worded person and not a real 'r' person...like the guy mowing my neighbor's lawn right now...

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  16. Don't worry, that call centre is probably in a prison. He'll get his.

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  17. sorry, but i can't help but love that frog. whole wheat and telemarketers however can go fuck themselves.

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  18. I'm so pissed. All the good blog shit happens to you. Like, how come you get the dying frog AND you just happen to have a glass storm door with a wreath under which he can hide, AND THEN you get a freaking CRAYFISH MOTH. It's so unfair. I hate you.

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  19. CadLady: I think I'll just throw away the door.

    LL: That's what my mother does. But, seriously. It's not funny so much that way.

    erin: Throwing out the R word, are we? Easy, sister.

    NotBenny: He's probably gonna come back and toilet paper the house now, huh?! HAHA! Heh. Also, I *hate* that scrapy noise of which you speak. I may have stangled a Swede that day.

    Prosy: I SO wanted to explode him! Okay, so I still do. Like I said, "anger issues."

    OWO: Those fuckers always have some bullshit number that shows up on the call ID, so I have no recourse but to take it. If the number DID work, I'd probably just drive there with a gun. Or, my husband.

    MzB: And you thought soda was BAD FOR YOU!? HA!

    MissChief: That's what it says in my head. Acutally, it sounds a lot like my cats.

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  20. wow i don't think i should ever drink diet coke

    also, i wish my phone would say "fucking ring ring"...i wonder if i can get it to do that

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  21. I agree completely with #3.

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