Wednesday, July 22, 2009

C'mon In! (I Guess. I Mean, Really, This Isn't The Greatest Time...)

You guys know Mr. C? Yeah...that guy. Right. The one who laughs at low-income fat people. Exactly. Because he's rich. And (presumably?) skinny.

He's GREAT!


Anyway, he's trying to gain Internet fame by doing this thing where you have to talk about what it'd be like to be a guest in your house or something confusing like that. Really, what I read was that this would be another opportunity to do a BS post where I can Paint lots of pictures and put off something more challenging like oh, I don't know, WRITING.

So here you go people. This is is what it would be like if you snooped around, were given a tour had the misfortune of being invited over to the Van. Because I'll just put it out there--I am a terrible hostess.

1. What books are on your favorite shelf?

I don't have a favorite shelf. You know why? THEY COLLECT DUST.


But when I'm not being pretentious, even my favorite books are probably not ones that will entertain you. They'll entertain my son. Because he'll cry a lot louder than you will if he's not entertained.

However, I do happen to keep these out to show off that I'M A MASTER.


2. What DVD's are on your favorite shelf?

I think we've covered the shelf thing. As for my DVD's, this is going to lead us back to what I said before. My life is not my own.



I'm not so sure there's much funny to be said about that display, though I do try to find the finer qualities in each film. You know, to maintain my MASTERdom. Bad news is, you know that post I did about my spontaneous singing?! It's spreading. In the form of me quoting cartoon movies.

Sigh. Moving right along...

3. What are your TWO favorite cookbooks.

I don't like cooking. I'd rather eat a bowl of cereal. But keeping kids alive requires a bit more attention to detail. Oh, and my husband would not stand for that shit. C'mon. Womanly charms only get you so far.

Uh, so his mom bought me these (frowny face):



They work, I guess.

4. Select 1-3 recipes you will cook for your special guest.

Listen. This is getting a little out of hand. I have to read you a story? Let you watch my amazing wall-mounted flat screen TV (we only watch respectable programs) in unison with our surround-sound system (which I LOATHE by the way. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder for an imagined predator or dashing down the hall because I think I hear a baby crying. CLEARLY INVENTED BY A MAN.).

Now I have to cook?!

Grilled cheese okay? I don't do special diets And don't even start with that Vegan bullshit.

4. What will we be drinking that is available?

Christ, you came THIRSTY too?! Not trying to be rude or anything, but you'vebeen a pretty presumptuous house guest from the get-go (get-go?!).

But listen, I'm guessing my CHARM is reminding you that you had a previous engagement and need to be going. So here's your damn drink menu so you can scoot. Over the years, I used to drink some fun, cool things including Kool-Aid MountainBerry Punch (but not that Sunny-D bullshit; that tasted like cancer! But Orange Julius...don't get me started on that heavenly yummyness...).

Now? I drink water. So don't be trying to ask for fucking soda or beer so we can reminisce. That stuff is bad for you, so grow up. If you're a geriatric, I'd be happy to let you share some of T9's prune juice. Or you can try to steal some of my husband's fancy muscadine wine. We have been getting stuff from a vineyard called Stoutridge but we drank the shit out of it (people, they don't even SHIP their shit because it's so amazing and hippie-ish, so when we run out, um, we talk about going for a few months and then never do). And Ubu Ale? Nectar of the Bacchus, pals. Even Bill Clinton had the White House stocked with it! (But don't go thinking that makes us Democratic swingers or anything. That's our neighbors.)

Right. Okay now! See you soon! Thanks for coming! (?)

(This might be part of the I-don't-have-friends thing.)

12 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, I just clogged your shitter...I tired to use your spatula to no avail...I hope you understand...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow! I'd get to watch 'Thomas the Train' AND drink Prune Juice!!!??? It's like be a child and elderly woman all in the same day!!!! Score one for me! Woooo Hoooo!

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  3. You underestimate the powers of my crying.

    And, Jesus...we have the same taste in movies!

    Also...if you need some more of that Duplin stuff...*looks over both shoulders and then whispers* I can totally hook you up...

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  4. all I think when I picture a party at the Van is.... classy.

    and I want to be a part of it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I still haven't seen the Horton film and I love grilled cheese (that's cheese on toast, right?) so count me in!

    And don't worry, I was brought up to be exceedingly polite and won't mention the dust bunnies more than two or three times.

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  6. I have to watch finding nemo? Wtf kristine! I do like the part where plankton almost gets the recipe to the the krabby patty.

    I friggin HATE sunny d, so that made me pretty happy. I think ill drink the muscadet with your hubs and you can be a grouch and wait in the van. Just kidding kristine I love ya, maybe I can stare at lanas boobs for entertainment.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I don't cook....... ( unless forced to by gunpoint)

    I don't dust....... ( I once told my ex that dust was something he "Made Up" to annoy me ...... and now you know why he's my Ex )

    and I can only do the: "Cordial for the sake of guests" face between the hours of 5 and 7.......

    which also happens to be "Happy Hour".....

    Coincidence?????

    I think not......


    And most importantly........

    I love your blog!!!

    so can I come over????

    ReplyDelete
  8. i love that she got you the southern living cookbook :)

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  9. I'll definitely stay for some grilled cheese and Thomas the Train. Can I bring my friend's three year old nephew? He LOVES Thomas.

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  10. OM: Sure, I understand. Now hand me the spatula because I'm about to beat the shit out of you with it.

    Jules: Welcome to my (oddly exciting) life! Chugga-chugga-pruuuuune-juuuuice!

    TIM: Sah-weet! You're now officially my dry eyeball drug pusher AND concubine (muscadine? whatever) distributor.

    Jerrod: Ron Burgundy, classy. We have many leather-bound books and our house smells of rich mahogany.

    GI: Sweet! And bring some of that weird Jelly stuff, too. I wanna bite into the real deal!

    Mr. C: I thought you were here to babysit?!

    MzB: Dude, open invite. You sound like my kind of gal (which is really, anyone who likes me first.)

    Lana: Hehe. It is actually pretty good.

    P-Huong: Grilled cheese is underestimated, right? Bring the kid, too. Plus One keeps trying to bodyslam is baby brother so maybe this will distract him.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Well, this is a little disappointing. I was really expecting more candy and pornography.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I don't cook....... ( unless forced to by gunpoint)

    I don't dust....... ( I once told my ex that dust was something he "Made Up" to annoy me ...... and now you know why he's my Ex )

    and I can only do the: "Cordial for the sake of guests" face between the hours of 5 and 7.......

    which also happens to be "Happy Hour".....

    Coincidence?????

    I think not......


    And most importantly........

    I love your blog!!!

    so can I come over????

    ReplyDelete