Anyway, he's trying to gain Internet fame by doing this thing where you have to talk about what it'd be like to be a guest in your house or something confusing like that. Really, what I read was that this would be another opportunity to do a BS post where I can Paint lots of pictures and put off something more challenging like oh, I don't know, WRITING.
So here you go people. This is is what it would be like if you
1. What books are on your favorite shelf?
I don't have a favorite shelf. You know why? THEY COLLECT DUST.
But when I'm not being pretentious, even my favorite books are probably not ones that will entertain you. They'll entertain my son. Because he'll cry a lot louder than you will if he's not entertained.
However, I do happen to keep these out to show off that I'M A MASTER.
2. What DVD's are on your favorite shelf?
I think we've covered the shelf thing. As for my DVD's, this is going to lead us back to what I said before. My life is not my own.
I'm not so sure there's much funny to be said about that display, though I do try to find the finer qualities in each film. You know, to maintain my MASTERdom. Bad news is, you know that post I did about my spontaneous singing?! It's spreading. In the form of me quoting cartoon movies.
Sigh. Moving right along...
3. What are your TWO favorite cookbooks.
I don't like cooking. I'd rather eat a bowl of cereal. But keeping kids alive requires a bit more attention to detail. Oh, and my husband would not stand for that shit. C'mon. Womanly charms only get you so far.
Uh, so his mom bought me these (frowny face):
They work, I guess.
4. Select 1-3 recipes you will cook for your special guest.
Listen. This is getting a little out of hand. I have to read you a story? Let you watch my amazing wall-mounted flat screen TV (we only watch respectable programs) in unison with our surround-sound system (which I LOATHE by the way. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder for an imagined predator or dashing down the hall because I think I hear a baby crying. CLEARLY INVENTED BY A MAN.).
Now I have to cook?!
Grilled cheese okay? I don't do special diets And don't even start with that Vegan bullshit.
4. What will we be drinking that is available?
Christ, you came THIRSTY too?! Not trying to be rude or anything, but you'vebeen a pretty presumptuous house guest from the get-go (get-go?!).
But listen, I'm guessing my CHARM is reminding you that you had a previous engagement and need to be going. So here's your damn drink menu so you can scoot. Over the years, I used to drink some fun, cool things including Kool-Aid MountainBerry Punch (but not that Sunny-D bullshit; that tasted like cancer! But Orange Julius...don't get me started on that heavenly yummyness...).
Now? I drink water. So don't be trying to ask for fucking soda or beer so we can reminisce. That stuff is bad for you, so grow up. If you're a geriatric, I'd be happy to let you share some of T9's prune juice. Or you can try to steal some of my husband's fancy muscadine wine. We have been getting stuff from a vineyard called Stoutridge but we drank the shit out of it (people, they don't even SHIP their shit because it's so amazing and hippie-ish, so when we run out, um, we talk about going for a few months and then never do). And Ubu Ale? Nectar of the Bacchus, pals. Even Bill Clinton had the White House stocked with it! (But don't go thinking that makes us Democratic swingers or anything. That's our neighbors.)
Right. Okay now! See you soon! Thanks for coming! (?)
(This might be part of the I-don't-have-friends thing.)