We opted to dig out the trusty ol' soccer ball instead. Plus One is basically the next David Beckham, but without the tattoos, nude modeling, and trampy wife. That guy does play soccer, right?
But back to the story. The ball was in this little storage bin we have outside. My mother opened the lid and let out a shriek:
Grandma: Oh my [censored]!
Me: [Rolling my eyes--it's habit at this point.] What's wrong?
Grandma: There's a huge black spider!
Me: Mom, c'mon. [Walking over, looking in bin.] OH GOD! [Diving on top of Plus One to shield him from the evil, JUMPING black thing.]
Okay, so maybe it wasn't all that "LARGE" but the thing was definitely one of those spazzy-ass spiders, hopping and darting like a crackwhore (they hop and dart, right?). A few hours later, when I was able to collect myself and stop my terror-induced sobbing, I started to feel the shame. It kind of moved upward into my neck and cheeks like those effing hives. I mean, right? It was a SPIDER. I'm such a GIRL. How LAME that I'm scared of them!
Then I had a thought. It was of elephants. That's right, elephants and mice. Surely it can't be completely irrational of me to fear spiders (fine, FINE: all bugs) if there's evidence of it in other species!
Google search term: "Are elephants really scared of mice"
Answer: No, you fucking moron.
Shit. But wait, because I've got my own theories you "zoologists"! Sure, I may be "larger"* than a spider, but it's size is clearly an advantage considering the following scenario:
Me: AHH! A spider!
Spider: [JumpJumpJump....DART] Mwahahaha! I'm climbing up your leg so quickly that your spasms will likely encourage you to hit yourself repeatedly!
Me: [Punching thigh with fury.] Ow.
Spider: And how 'bout now, bitch?! Can you reach the center of your BACK?!
Me: [Dancing like a tribal woman, complete with shrieks and tears.] I'M GOING TO DIE! I HAVE CHILDREN YOU BASTARD!
Spider: [Crawls into my ear, eats my brain.]
Me: [Plunk. Sticks tongue out. DEAD.]
See?! You can't say that scenario isn't possible--even PROBABLE!
It's why I sleep with earmuffs.
*"Actual" utterance from the waiter during my date night with the husband last night:
Waiter: [After taking my order.] Wow, that's a lot of food. I hope you're hungry. [Walks away, clicking pen.]
Me: I'm pretty sure he just called me a fat ass.
Him: I'll kick his ass while you're in the bathroom.