Tuesday, June 2, 2009

You Say Arachnaphobia, I Say I'm Smarter Than You

Yesterday me, my mother, and Plus One were in our backyard. I'd just gotten him one of those kiddie golf sets and (surprise, you amateur!) it was frustrating the crap out of him.

We opted to dig out the trusty ol' soccer ball instead. Plus One is basically the next David Beckham, but without the tattoos, nude modeling, and trampy wife. That guy does play soccer, right?

But back to the story. The ball was in this little storage bin we have outside. My mother opened the lid and let out a shriek:

Grandma: Oh my [censored]!

Me: [Rolling my eyes--it's habit at this point.] What's wrong?

Grandma: There's a huge black spider!

Me: Mom, c'mon. [Walking over, looking in bin.] OH GOD! [Diving on top of Plus One to shield him from the evil, JUMPING black thing.]

Okay, so maybe it wasn't all that "LARGE" but the thing was definitely one of those spazzy-ass spiders, hopping and darting like a crackwhore (they hop and dart, right?). A few hours later, when I was able to collect myself and stop my terror-induced sobbing, I started to feel the shame. It kind of moved upward into my neck and cheeks like those effing hives. I mean, right? It was a SPIDER. I'm such a GIRL. How LAME that I'm scared of them!

Then I had a thought. It was of elephants. That's right, elephants and mice. Surely it can't be completely irrational of me to fear spiders (fine, FINE: all bugs) if there's evidence of it in other species!

Google search term: "Are elephants really scared of mice"

Answer: No, you fucking moron.

Shit. But wait, because I've got my own theories you "zoologists"! Sure, I may be "larger"* than a spider, but it's size is clearly an advantage considering the following scenario:

Me: AHH! A spider!

Spider: [JumpJumpJump....DART] Mwahahaha! I'm climbing up your leg so quickly that your spasms will likely encourage you to hit yourself repeatedly!

Me: [Punching thigh with fury.] Ow.

Spider: And how 'bout now, bitch?! Can you reach the center of your BACK?!

Me: [Dancing like a tribal woman, complete with shrieks and tears.] I'M GOING TO DIE! I HAVE CHILDREN YOU BASTARD!

Spider: [Crawls into my ear, eats my brain.]

Me: [Plunk. Sticks tongue out. DEAD.]

See?! You can't say that scenario isn't possible--even PROBABLE!
It's why I sleep with earmuffs.



__________

*"Actual" utterance from the waiter during my date night with the husband last night:
Waiter: [After taking my order.] Wow, that's a lot of food. I hope you're hungry. [Walks away, clicking pen.]
Me: I'm pretty sure he just called me a fat ass.
Him: I'll kick his ass while you're in the bathroom.
Me: [Swoon.]

12 comments:

  1. Happens allt he time, people getting their brains devoured by spiders. Kills more than drunk driving, but don't tell MADD I said that.

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  2. If they don't eat your brain, they lay eggs in it.

    I'm not really sure which is worse.

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  3. Spiders are scary. And horrifying, terrifying, make me feel like I'm going to have a spasm attack and vomit all over my keyboard right now type creatures.
    You are supposed to be afraid of them, it's natural. Just let it out. Oh God, Oh God. Spiders...spiders!

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  4. I'm pretty much convinced spiders are already living in my head and maybe that's why I behave the way i do.

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  5. you nailed it exactly! spiders can get you in all those ways that make it scary because they're faster than you.

    you should capture one and put it on that dick waiter.

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  6. spazzy-ass. genius.

    and date night. awwww.....

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  7. Walter: Freaking "MADD" It's like PLEASE, aren't there more important things to worry about?!

    LL: It's all DEATH to me!

    erin: At least we'll be alive when it all comes crashing down, right? Amen sistah.

    Kurt: I'd say you can borrow my earmuffs, but I think it's too late. Also, that's probably unsanitary.

    Lana: The husband totally wanted to kick his ass, which would've been more satisfying than spiders, I think. Plus, he probably didn't deserve to "DIE" exactly.

    Jerrod: I pretty much invented that phrase. Especially as applied to spiders. Date night? AWW - dick waiter + eating WAY too much + utter exhaustion = eh = at least the company was good/studly.

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  8. Totally irrational, but I'd rather be snuggling with a diamondback rattlesnake than have a freaky creepy spider between the shoulder blades moving up the neck. At least you know where the F the snake is!!!

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  9. One time a spider ran across my eyeball. I'm not kidding. My husband and I were lying in bed talking and I felt something brush across my eye and I thought it was a stray hair and he says, "Your so brave." And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because a spider just ran across your eyeball."

    You can imagine what happened after that. It involved a lot of jumping and screaming and profanity.

    And then he had to take back his compliment (for obvious reasons).

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  10. Spiders suck.

    I've never really considered the ear/brain thing...but I've been told a million times, "You know, so-and-so says that you swallow so many spiders a year in your sleep..."

    Well, just who is this so-and-so! And how many is so many!? And what am I supposed to do about it, being a mouth breather!? There's nothing equivalent to ear muffs for your mouth. Tape won't cut it...I'll suffocate.

    It's all very frustrating.

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  11. you nailed it exactly! spiders can get you in all those ways that make it scary because they're faster than you.

    you should capture one and put it on that dick waiter.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Happens allt he time, people getting their brains devoured by spiders. Kills more than drunk driving, but don't tell MADD I said that.

    ReplyDelete