Friday, June 26, 2009

A Post Where I Complain Like Seinfeld, but With Extra Annoyance

Holy crap, it's FRIDAY. Now, since I don't "work", I have no reason to be all excited for this day. Saturdays and Sundays are all pretty much the same around here.


I mean, *joyful laughter!*

But this week, it seems like Friday might be a metaphorical stopper on this gigantic pile of crap that is raining on my head.

I mean, chocolate. CHOCOLATE RAIN! (?)

But seriously. The following SHIT has been checked off my list this week:

1. Discovery that both the shampoo and baby wash I use for my kids is complemented with the addition of FORMALDEHYDE. This kind of trumps that day when I gave my son milk that was past the expiration date. You know, cuz of the cancer and all.

2. Well, uh, there was the bathing suit.

3. But to accentuate the bathing suit misery, my fat ass also freaking BROKE THE HAMMOCK last night. Rocking away my stress, glass of wine in hand, I hear a creak. I look up to the string which is attached to a board in the fence (shut up) and the next thing I know, I'm on the ground and my eyeball is on fire. Right, because of the wine in it. (Who knew, right?! Science is fun!) Oh, and the board busted my knee. But the burning eyeball distracted me from that. So, I guess I should be thankful.

4. I had detailed and washed our cars so that when my husband came home from his 3 week trip, he'd have a nice, sparkling clean Subaru to whisk him back home. Except that when you leave the parking lights on for a week, the whisking part is more of a "CRRRIINKKKK. CRRRRSSSHHHIINKKK." And the love and happiness and appreciation is more of a "I, uh, I can't get home? So, thanks."

5. I guess maybe I don't really have a five. But I'm neurotic and a list of four seems pretty incomplete. Feel free to fill in number five for me. I was slightly saddened by Michael Jackson's death, so I guess I could put that here. But I'm not Samantha Ronson. Or, like everyone in the world on Twitter, including Dr. Drew, who tweeted Jackson's Scream video because of its "awesomeness." (Really, Dr. Drew? )

In other news...

Looks like the family might be taking a last minute road trip to go see a friend who works with The Blue Angels. Should be fun, as long as Plus One isn't terrified. Then, it would be the opposite of fun, and also emotionally scarring, and me trying to take on an airplane to protect my son's innocence might be entertaining.

I'll bring the camera.


  1. I broke a hammock once before when I wasn't fat. I can't imagine getting on one now that I'm freaking huge. MONSTER SIZE MOTHER FUCKERS!

    Aside from that totally unnecessary comment they should put that baby formaldehyde stuff up on the yahoo main page or something. It's impossible to get info about that shit.

  2. erin: For some reason I can't copy and paste into this godforsaken box. So here's the typed URL:

  3. "Chocolate rain made me cross the street the other day" almost made me wet myself with laughter AND I also almost fell down laughing.

    Oh, and since it's me, something embarrassing happened to me because I was listening to this, so I plan to also post it on my blog so an extra 5-6 people can see it.

  4. I, too, have broken a hammock. And that was 30 pounds ago. Now I make sure everything I sit on is reinforced with steel.

  5. Eh, formaldehyde has a really low boiling point. It'll evaporate when it hits your kids' skin...

    ...unless your kids are ZOMBIES!!!

  6. Thanks for the whole, wine-in-the-eye, public service announcement. I'm going to stay off hammocks and just drink on the ground.

  7. I don't think the Blue Angles would scar you kids. I mean its not like your dropping them off for a sleep over at Neverland Ranch!
    (dead guy zinger)

  8. You mean it's ok not to be devastated by Michael Jackson's death?? :O

    Phew! Thank goodness for that!

    Ps: I gave you an award on my second to last post x

  9. Eh, formaldehyde has a really low boiling point. It'll evaporate when it hits your kids' skin...

    ...unless your kids are ZOMBIES!!!