Monday, June 22, 2009

A Post So Zany, It Needs To Be Separated!

Big events here at the WitV household, comrades!

First, I'm excited to report that I'm finally getting some vagabond traffic from good ol' Google! According to my reports, SEVENTEEN people have found this AMAZING site while doing a search. EIGHTY-FIVE PERCENT promptly left, but whatever. At least they left some tokens for us to remember them by. With that, let's have the five best searches, shall we:

1. " kids + annoying"

::chirp-chirp::

Eh, let's skip that one.

2. "why do spiders deserve to die"

This one seems completely appropriate given my recent post on why I wear earmuffs to bed. But let's break it down simply for the inquiring minds. Spiders deserve to die because they are rude. Which kind of seems extreme, I'm sure. But let's picture it this way: I've broken into your house--NAY!--I LIVE in your house...emerging only when I think you're gone. OR SLEEPING. Then, as you lay peacefully in your bed, your children tucked in cozily in their rooms, I sit back and guffaw (silently), tapping my fingertips as I decide whose MOUTH I'm going to crawl in. People like that get federal pound-me-in-the-@$ prison, folks. Why, then, not a spider?

3. "fontanel odor"

I once mentioned to our son's pediatrician that I thought we could smell his brain through his soft spot. The doctor told me he was "going to write that one down!" I can only assume he meant in a scholarly journal.

4. "say the a-word"

Um, okay. Asshole. What? Not that one? OH! Whoopsie. You meant armadillo? Atrocious? Asphyxiation? Alliteration? Alcatraz? Alien? Awning?

Well, fuck. That list just took be 14 minutes and a two year old to compile. Next time be more specific.

5. "http://www.waitinthevan.blogspot.com"

Um, really? You searched this?

__________


Aaand, secondly! Another milestone has been reached at this house. Last time, I was celebrating T9's brain hole shrinking, but this time it's...well, it's...it's actually less a celebration than a full on nervous breakdown, but who's counting! (HA HA HAHA.)

Is it normal for kids to reach the TERRIBLE TWOS at age 2.5? Because it's kind of SPECTACULAR that every question or request is met with a) fits of undecipherable words, but typically ending with "NOW!" b) complete meltdowns which include sobbing and falling limp to the floor or c) hitting.

But, heh. Let's BE POSITIVE, right? Maybe it's just that we miss Daddio. Or the incessant rain. Maybe it was the plague that we all contracted that seems to be slowly dissolving our lungs. Or life. Life in general. Could be that, too.


GOOD THING HE'S CUTE.

19 comments:

  1. I bet you left out all the searches that included "Kidnapping Children" and "How To Get Toddlers To Accept Candy From Strangers" but hey, since this is a family blog, I'd leave that out too.

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  2. Listen, McCracken. Here I am paying you to be my bestie and everything and all you can do is come here and ALERT THE AUTHORITIES?!

    I'd start calling you Dog (as in, THE BOUNTY HUNTER) but everyone would just think I was trying to be gangster. And everyone knows that a white SAHM trying to be gangster is as far from funny as Palin from a NOW rally.

    Eh. Witty SAHM's aren't that funny either.

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  3. I'm a SAHM too (I thought that was a tech term when I first saw it, and to be honest I kinda don't like it but it's convenient)
    I also have a 2-ish year old.
    Maybe that is why our minds are slowly unraveling.

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  4. I never thought about Spiders that way before, but you're absolutely right. For that, I won't feel even the remotest pang of guilt when I light them on fire as they scurry around my grill. In fact, I'll rejoice in the fact that I'm saving someone's mouth from being spider raped while they sleep.

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  5. Oh, yeah, and Tank's Terrible Twos didn't hit until he was three. I'm trying to figure out if he's out of them yet.

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  6. No cofnitive research searches? Hmmpf

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  7. I smell my brain too...and it smells like feta cheese and borscht... this worries me...

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  8. Dude, I can smell his brain from here. Come to think of it, I've been smelling lots of brains ever since that one guy bit me. I wonder if he had swine flu? I hope I don't have AIDS. Or mono.

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  9. if your kid gets the terrible two's late, does that mean he's "slow?" Don't worry, Mr. T was in the remedial reading class until he was in 6th grade and he turned out ok.

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  10. Kim: There is no maybe about it.

    TIM: We should open up a Guantanamo for spiders.

    Mr. C: That's a good thing. Don't want the real world to find me, exactly.

    OM: It's one thing to smell a baby's brain, but to smell your own is probably a sign of imminent death. And the preceding statement is completely unsubstantiated.

    Cat: It's probably just Athlete's Foot. But his brain totally doesn't smell anymore! He smells like sunshine and butterflies pretty much at this point.

    Prosy: Did you just call my kid slow? Because I will totally (not) kick your internet ass.

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  11. My son hit his terrible twos at 13 months and stopped in second grade. There should be a vaccination is my point.

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  12. It's not actually the terrible twos, they just call it that to make it sound less scary. The correct term (and I'm telling you this as the mother of a 9 year old) is The Terrible Rest Of Your Life Because You Were Stupid Enough To Believe The Rhythm Method Is An Effective Method Of Contraception - This Will Never Get Easier.

    Just thought you should know.

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  13. PAINFULLY cute! You have to admit, it's a powerful defense mechanism...

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  14. My son started up with all that terrible two's stuff when he was about 13 years old. He's a late bloomer.

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  15. Seems like since your brain is really close to your nose, you'd be able to smell your own brain most of the time. Maybe that's what 'nothing' smells like?

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  16. Kurt: Electro-shock collars should do the trick in the meantime, right?

    Anna: I was afraid of this.

    Lilu: Dude, I'm convinced it's Mother Nature's plan. How else do "interesting" looking babies survive?

    Miss Yvonne: 13! You can practically kick them out at that point! (Lucky.)

    Eric: I would like to think my brain smells like expensive wood. Because it's a genius and has expensive taste, I mean.

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  17. At least your searches are cool- for some sick reason, one of my tracker thingys said someone found my blog via the "Shit eating benny" route.

    That's not even close to being cool, and I don't want shit eaters reading my blog anyway. That skeeves me.

    In other news, congrats on T9 having a teenier melon gap. That's awesome! Gappy melons are so not in fashion anymore. I think that kid is thinking about some trouble though.

    And finally, I would like my brain to smell like famous amos cookies, because probably some of that smell would waft down to me, and I loves me some famous amos cookies.

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  18. My son hit his terrible twos at 13 months and stopped in second grade. There should be a vaccination is my point.

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  19. I never thought about Spiders that way before, but you're absolutely right. For that, I won't feel even the remotest pang of guilt when I light them on fire as they scurry around my grill. In fact, I'll rejoice in the fact that I'm saving someone's mouth from being spider raped while they sleep.

    ReplyDelete