Thursday, June 18, 2009

I Sneezed and This Came Out

Soooo,
here's.
the.
thing.

I was gonna do this silly game thing and then Mr. London called me out for being lame (true story...both parts) and I felt all self-conscious and FAT and LAZY, so I just wrote about my morning instead.

AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!

[Scene: Living room, general chaos. Plus One is throwing his toys about the house. T9 is telling me off in baby-babble language, and the cats are clawing at the door in an attempt to attack a new stray that has found our yard.]

Me: Listen, PINK, I am so SICK of this ass-hattery. If you break another venetian blind with one of your half-assed escape attempts, I WILL SKIN YOU.

Pink: [Lounging, sipping his sassafrass root beer.] Don't hate, Momma. This is the awesome sauce.

Me: What? Where the hell did you get that black market shit? It CAUSES CANCER!

Plus One: [Mid-throw, tossing a rock at the flat screen. Picks up his sippy cup and runs toward the cat.] Pink has fuzzy?! I'll trade you for this beer, Pink!

Me: BEER?! Where did you get BEER?!

Plus One: Daddy says it's good for the prostate [Slllurp]. Aaahhh.

Me: [Grabbing sippy cup]. There's not a time out long enough for this punkness, kid.

T9: BA! BA! BABA! [MORE TYLENOL, MAYBE SPIKED WITH MOTRIN. NOW.]

Me: Oh, my drug-addled child. I'm going to have to carve those teeth out myself, I'm afraid.

T9: MMMMMBA!

Me: Whoa, if you were capable of speaking in anything other than onomatopoeia, I'd think you were just requesting a little MMBop right there! Momma's teachin' you well! [Starts humming, MmmBop-Bop-Bop-Doo-Wap!]

[To Plus One] Kiddo, are you feeling well enough to ghost-write for Mommy again today? Or should I just throw up one of those word gamey-games?

Plus One: [In British accent.] I don't understand the appeal, I think your blog is better than parlour games like this. [Slurps the cat's soda, adjusts smoker's jacket and chomps on pipe.] The imprecision of your writing as of late just wreaks of a lousy naturalist homeostatic property cluster*.

Me: [Blink.]

T9: I couldn't agree with you more, my dear brother. Mother has become embittered with the blogosphere lately. A real curmudgeon, she is.

Me: [Blink.]

Fluffy Shit: [Breaking the odd, surreal silence.] MEEEOWWWWWWW. [IF YOU DON'T FEED ME NOW, I WILL MAMMOCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.]

Me: [Shaking head, rubbing eyes.] Right, right. [Looking sideways at children.]

[Plus One throws rock at T9's head.] Right, yes. That's better. Crinkle-cut fries again for dinner boys?

Plus One: Yay! Hooray! [Marches around room, tossing T9 in the air.]

Pink: [Following me to the kitchen.] Not for me, heifer. You know that shit gives me gastrointestinal issues.

Me: Sht the hell up you gobbact cat.

__________

*Submitted via Twitter. Because I'm uber-techno-savvy.

PS. We all have the plague in my house, now. It's official. (Even the wee baby has sniffles and coughs! Ultra-Mini-sized germs are giving him mini-sized boogies and mini-sized cough an giant-sized sleep interruption).
So be nice.

14 comments:

  1. funny that this really does sound like just an average day, with a few more big words thrown in

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  2. You missed "gastrointestinal." Now you owe me a whole blog on explosive diarrhea. No wait....I take that back! Please don't!!!!!

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  3. Crap! I missed the only REAL word!
    My apologies, CorticoMan :) Fixed.

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  4. root beer will always be....awesome sauce.

    nice job K.

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  5. Mr London Street likes parlour games but to keep his image he has to pretend.

    Tehehe your story was funny. I like the use of the word ass-hattery. Totally a real word I think.

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  6. This could pass for an episode of Family Guy.

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  7. I got all the way through this before I realized what you were doing, even with the bold font.

    I'm pretty with it.

    Funny stuff, and what not and bally-hoo.

    Shit! I should have used bally-hoo.

    Dammit.

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  8. Nikki - not at all.

    I only recommend one parlour game, and that's Muncle. Try it sometime, thank me later.

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  9. You are strange...which is a good thing...nay, great thing... this is a nice bloggity blog...

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  10. You are strange...which is a good thing...nay, great thing... this is a nice bloggity blog...

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  11. You missed "gastrointestinal." Now you owe me a whole blog on explosive diarrhea. No wait....I take that back! Please don't!!!!!

    ReplyDelete