Monday, June 15, 2009

Bloggers Would Make Great Reality TV

When I woke up this morning, I realized I was in the middle of a dream. Which is pretty amazing, because I always thought that my absence of dreams* meant that I was more or less defective, possessed, or otherwise doomed to the sixth level of hell. Now, not only do I have a story to tell, but I also might have a shot at not burning eternally after all. Double win.

Now, I'll say, this dream is pretty much only going to make me look like a gigantic moron who watches too much TV, spends too much time on the Internet, and probably used a lot of hijinks to even acquire that degree she keeps bragging about. But shut up for a second because I totally only used money to get that piece of paper. And my time on the Internet and/or TV is purely for educational purposes.

On to the dream. The characters consisted primarily of me, Jon of Jon & Kate + 8, and, uh, Heather Armstrong. They were basically married, so I guess Heather was more or less Kate.

I know, this is getting lame fast, but just hold on. There is a point here. Sure, it's not a very good or important one, but stop getting me off topic!

So, these two have a fight of devastating proportions. For some reason, I was living on the edge of their farm in an old converted hunting cabin. The whole thing was in a small town around the time of the Great Depression. Naturally, there were children and paparazzi everywhere. On the afternoon before the BIG FIGHT, Jon came by my cabin because I have the only working TV on the property (?). He ducks in quickly, but the 'razzi get a shot of us and I'm all, "GREAT. My husband is going to be PISSED."

Clearly he is inspired by my awesomeness, because I'm all, grow a pair! He draws from my strength (okay, you can say loudmouth-ness), calls his wife and lays it DOWN! (Or, uses his children as a pawn in a classic case of the ol' switcheroo.)

Dooce/Kate is blindsided and presumably caves and...well, actually I'm not sure. Gives him a divorce? Goes to the salon and gets extensions? Changes her witchy ways and embarks on the biggest apology-mission ever?

(I don't even watch this show, remember?) That part was fuzzy, is all I'm saying. A grandmother showed up and they were trying to drag me into the dramz or maybe just get me to pay rent or babysit, but I was all, "YO. I've gots problems of mine OWN, ya hear?" Then I probably packed up my TV in a handkerchief, tied it to the end of a stick and hit the road, whistlin' dixie or some shit.

Is there a point to this dream-teling? None whatsoever.

But it got me thinking!

Reality shows + blogging = awesome. As in, there should be a reality show for bloggers. What? Is that line logic not perfectly clear? Whatever. Doesn't matter. The important thing here is that I've got an ingenious idea.

I'm thinking more along the lines of competitive-reality rather than just a camera man that zooms in on my zits while I click away at my laptop. Because that shit is way scripted and you KNOW I only busted out the acne because a camera was in the room.

Plus, I'm pretty sure this little blogosphere I've planted myself into is so perfect and dreamlike and probably LOADED with closet drama that it would make some PERFECT reality TV! Like, monumentally better than that Speidi nonsense. People would be leaving the show without LIMBS! Screw your pansyass "ulcer"!

I'm pretty sure the following characters would be part of the show. Mainly for their stunning good looks, but also because they're super witty. And MEAN! I meant mean and vindictive!

Steam Me Up, Kid
Miss Yvonne
Diamond Pewpin' Carnivore
I'm Not Benny

The pilot would go something like this:

Working Title: I'm a REAL WRITER! Get me out of Here! (the blogosphere, that is. Okay, it needs work. Shut up.)

[Scene: A computer lab decorated with desert island theme. Or maybe just luau stuff. You know, tiki torches and hula skirts. Maybe some coconuts. It's a really large computer lab. Like on an desert island. With wireless. Whatever. Just keep reading.]

Cast are grouped into teams of two and huddled around respective team laptops, planning their attack for the first challenge.]

I'm Not Benny: [Signaling to cameraman, whispering.] Uh, you think maybe they messed up or something? Because, there's seven of us, and that doesn't divide by two, you see...I just--maybe I can join Miss Yvonne's team?

Miss Yvonne: [Camera pans to her. She is typing furiously. Stops suddenly and flashes the camera.] Take that, cowboy! BONUS POINTS!

Diamond Pewpin' Carnivore: [Leaps into air with Miss Yvonne to do a chest bump.] Ouch! Your boobs knocked out a rib, I think.

Miss Yvonne: Suck it up soldier!

Brian: [Seeing the clamor.] Yo man, what the fuck?! We're trying to do some serious shit over here. You guys can play your little gamey-games, but I'm trying to win the gajillion dollar prize, clownshoes. [Turns to his partner, Frankenfinger.] Yo, man. This challenge, though? WHACK! I don't know how to sew a damn dress with my blog! Is this for real, man? Fuuhck.

Frankenfinger: Stop whining pansy. It's distracting me from this lace trim with strikethrough accents.

Brian: [Chugs a redbull and vodka.] Fuckin' lace trim, motherfuckers. That's what's up. [Turns to cameraman, whispers] Yo, how do you think he GOT that fucked up finger anyway?

I'm Not Benny: [To cameraman.] Hey! He has liquor? I didn't even get a damn computer! Am I even supposed to be here?!

Kurt: [To his partner, SMUK.] I'm not sure I'm allowed to do this tv gig without losing my unemployment because it's rare for really good-looking, intelligent people to be unemployed and the feds are going to be all over me. Plus I didn't clear it with my agent, Hatori Hanzo, and that kid does not mess around. Naturally, I've disguised myself as a ninja to throw them all off my scent--POW!. But don't be scared because I'm not a ninja with a sword, just one of the kinds that drinks Sharkleberry Kool-Aid. I think that's more family friendly and good for ratings. [Palms rustle behind him. Kurt jumps, does some high kicks into the air.] Whoa, did you hear that? I'm pretty sure that was a lion in this jungle-lab and now I'm like FUCK I totally should've just been the ninja that carrys a sword. Plus I hate mosquitoes.

SMUK: You talk just like you write! [Helicopter arms].

I'm Not Benny: [To himself.] So that's what helicopter arms look like!

SMUK: Man, I wish there was a cornify button for television. I have to poop.

[..aaahnd, commercial break. Probably my newly produced version of The Verizon Hub]


SOO?! What do you think?

I figure if I couple this with the lawsuit I've got brewing with Warner Brothers, then maybe I can coerce someone to get this shit on TV. Because the whole "falling back" on my blogging career is actually not a grea plan at all as it might turn out.

Also, let me know if you're interested in Season Two because I'm casting soon.


*Other than that recurring one, but that's another post for another day. Plus, it's kind of boring. I just keep dying and stuff.


  1. that was the funniest shit i've read in a long, long time. someone somewhere will reward you for your genius. and b looks hot in his island pic :)

  2. This is great! I started my morning post out with a dream, but it turned out nowhere as awesome and successful as your post did! Poop on me for starting off okay and then failing like a giant pile a camel mucus.

  3. I had a dream this morning, too, and it involved Scarlett Johanssen and some dude wearing a Yoda mask. For reals and everything.

    It was 1000% stand-up awesome.

  4. This is an awesome idea, except that it should be broadcast on Youtube instead of network cable. You know...because we're the interweb freaks.

  5. Lana: I'm glad you think I'm funny and not an ass for mimicking your husband :)

    erin: Listen, ease up on yourself. Because camel mucus is gross.

    TIM: So, let me get this straight...Yoda turns you on?

    Cat: DUDE. That has instantly gotten you cast for Season Two. If I lived near more than like two bloggers, I'd actually consider doing this for real.

  6. Now that is a scathingly brilliant idea.... I'll move closer if it'll help... I'm in!

    Made me spew my cheerios in my coffee kind of good reading...

    Thanks... for activating my dimples.

  7. i wanna be the hot professor that kelly kapowski is in love with. something like that. i would have to wear a lot of denim though. and vests.

  8. I freaking LOVE this blog!

    Dude, your pics are so made of win it's ridiculous.


    I've never been on a reality show before, but I bet I would be okay as the surly one who has a heart of gold. Or the surly one who has a freakishly evil agenda. That would be cool too.

    Plus, reality show Imnotbenny is definitely taller than non-reality show Imnotbenny, and that is just sweet.

  9. I cant wait for episode 2...I want to see how the lace trim comes out. I don't know what strikethrough accents are but if their edible that would kick ass!

    PS: This Post Kicks ASS!

  10. Jesus Christ. I need to get myself some Photoshop. I'm so happy I'm Mrs. Howell because I get gloves and a fancy parasol, both of which are handy for discreet desert island poops. For the wipe and the privacy, respectively.

  11. WOOOOOOOOW. Sorry I'm late to the party, I've just been, you know, working till 1:30am and trying to get back to the gym to sculpt my abs and whatnot.

    sidenote: I'm not joking, they WILL get sculpted one of these days, soccer player style, goddam it. And when that day arrives, there will be a change on my blog, for there will be nothing but pics of my shirtless abs as far as the eye can see. Every post will be a disgusting and shameless attempt to showcase my lean body, just like some douchebag 16 year old MySpace kid.

    Awww, you put me in your show, I heart you too K! I'll do my best to be an obnoxious, snotty jerk that the viewers will love to hate, and hate to love.

    I honestly think this show could be a major hit. I'm sure MTV would be willing to take a whack at it. It's better than the other "True Made Life" ass vomit they churn out: 'I'm a lesbian'...'I'm a pregnant lesbian'...'I'm a pregnant lesbian addicted to tanning beds'...'I'm addicted to M99CY4'...'I want to be an extreme hot dog vendor.'

    I know, lame, but I'm tired!

  12. I'd watch. MetroDad is actually in talks to do a TV show based on his blog. Please post a video of you whistling dixie.

  13. Holy cow. Me in a reality tv show? And having my ribs knocked out by boobs? That's got to be the coolest thing ever. BUt then you forgot the part where I eventually go stir crazy and experience a brief dalliance with cannibalism and most of them die and or get eated.

  14. I cant wait for episode 2...I want to see how the lace trim comes out. I don't know what strikethrough accents are but if their edible that would kick ass!

    PS: This Post Kicks ASS!