Thursday, May 21, 2009

You Should See My Tan Lines

I'm ready to talk about it. The flowers. Though, I'm not sure "flowers" is the term I want to use here. Because flower denotes beauty and sunshine and happy-days (not the show, but just the concept). And maybe I was a bit misleading (or just completely ignorant) when I was like, "I'm planting flowers! YAY FOR SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS AND DIRT!" because it was so much more. I landscaped, people. There were bricks involved. Hoards of shovels and rakes, and a WHEELBARROW too. I even put a HOLE in my dainty, brand-new gardening gloves, and they were reinforced with LEATHER!

Plus, remember that part yesterday where I was all jokey-jokemaker and all saying "OUCH-type, OUCH-type" or something?

Today, I'm for serious. My HANDS are even sore. Let's not even discuss the rest of my body because it will totally make you lose respect for me. Or at least picture me as less than completely in-shape and utterly attractive.

Maybe the worst part is the sunburn. Again, I'll blame my naivete, but I see these landscaper dudes and they're all perfectly tan from every angle! Me? Well, you know those pictures of people who have attempted to put sunscreen on themselves only to be sunburned with, like finger-patterned streaks of white? I'm pretty much rocking that look. Even though I put the sunscreen on while looking at the mirror. Also? No sun anywhere other than on my back, neck and about a three-inch stretch of my right arm. It's pretty much the sexiest thing you've ever not seen. I tried to take a picture of the finger-streaks on my back, but it's awkward taking a picture of yourself, and the image kind of looks like I've taken a picture of my curvacious hips or even maybe my back-tat region, and I'm not quite ready to take this blog to that level.

I will, however, show you my amazing skills.

Naturally, I never took a "before" shot because I'm intelligent like that. But just imagine this as what it looked like before:


  1. Who buried the horse in your back yard?

  2. Forget about finding a dinosaur, I wanna see you find one of those cool elixir bottles that get hidden in the ground from a hundred years ago.

    Maybe you'll find one that can fix your tan so you won't look like a calico cat anymore.

  3. It's the Montauk Monster!
    I wish I could plant anything. I have two hanging plants that don't look all that great. I'm trying my damndest though.

  4. A dinosaur??

    Now I REALLY wish there was a "before" piture...

  5. That made me laugh a lot. I picture you finding the horse skeleton and yelling "we're gonna need a lot more bricks!"

    Or something.

  6. I have never understood how landscaping dudes get pefect tans. I reckon they get them using sunbeds then top them up when working outside.

  7. ahhhh.... mulch.

    that's all I got for now.

  8. Could you not get help in applying subscren?

  9. So your an official"Redneck" now!

  10. TIM: I don't like horses. I won't say anything further without my lawyer.

    Mr. C: Since when is a bottle (of anything) cooler than crusty old bones?!

    erin: Holy shit, I totally forgot about that thing! And they STILL don't know what it is! I think I might have to write about this...

    Lilu: It may have just been a rock with interesting dents in it.

    Sally-Sal: You can picture me doing whatever you want as long as you keep saying that I make you laugh.

    Mo: That's probably it! The ol' closet tanners. I suppose I'd be a beet in either scenario.

    Jerrod: You know it's not edible, right? The scent is quite lovely, though.

    Chuck: Maybe that was my problem! I was applying SUNscreen, not SUBscreen! Whoops!

    Frankenfinger: Is that the only initiation?! I'm pretty sure there's another round that involves beefy tires, canned beer and perhaps a field with poor lighting.

  11. Could you not get help in applying subscren?

  12. It's the Montauk Monster!
    I wish I could plant anything. I have two hanging plants that don't look all that great. I'm trying my damndest though.