Like any good American, I like to watch TV. (But primarily so that I can find things to make fun of. That part might be less a "good American" quality and more a "good New Yorker" one. Just ask my husband.)
So, lately I've been overcome by the ridiculousness of these infomercials I'm seeing. Naturally, there's the ShamWow(!), but now that the dude has been busted for like, punching a tongue-biting prostitute, I can't really get into it like I did before. Instead of laughing at his doofy hair and Norwegian jawline, I just picture him trying to clean up the bloody crime scene with his buy-one-get-one-free-for-emergencies-just-like-this. And it's just gross. Though, also clean, I'm sure. That mothereffer is absorbant.
To replace this guy I've turned to the Topsy Turvey and the Jupiter Jack. And I'll tell you why, in order, via lists. Because that's how I roll (OCD-ishly):
1. I cannot stand that the woman says it's a great way to grow CUKES. Something about that word makes me really angry, and I probably should've included it in yesterday's post. I AM working on my anger, but come on. This bitch is not helping.
2. It just LOOKS ridiculous. If this thing doesn't symbolize the laziness of American society today, then I don't know what does. Just go hoe yourself a garden, right? I mean, sure if you live in the city, I get it (kind of...not sure your neighbors will when they need to use the fire escape to flee a raging inferno and are met with a 5 foot tall punching-bag-tomato-monster-bush instead).
3. We totally own one. Look at this pathetic piece of crap (and try not to think of the pathetic "gardener" who installed it)
The Jupiter Jack
1. Have you seen this one yet? Holy crap. If there isn't anything more ridiculous than a bearded dude talking about how DANGEROUS it is to talk on a cell phone and drive all while he sits, DRIVING A CAR, and LOOKING AT THE CAMERA the entire time TO FILM A COMMERCIAL, then, well, I don't know what is. I guess the story about the Sham Wow(!) guy might be a little bit more ridiculous.
2. That's all I've got on this one.You know why? Because I'm fully envious of this dude. He's got to be freaking rich by now, right? He sells EVERYTHING! I'd love to have his job (or maybe just his money), but as evidenced by this post, I'm pretty sure I'd suck at it. Could you picture me trying to pawn off some Snuggies?
Let's pretend for a moment:
Scence: Studio, me wrapped in a Snuggie, lounging on a couch.
Producer: Aaaand, ACTION.
Me: [Psychotic smile, happily answering pretend-to-be-ringing phone] Fuhhck, why doesn't this thing have leg holes, too? I mean, it keeps slipping off my fucking toes. And my thighs aren't THAT big. Jeeze. Piece of shit.
Producer: Christ. CUT. [To me.] Listen, you have to stop talking through this. We actually just need you to stay quiet, and just lay there and look happy.
Me: Oh, really? Well, I suppose you voted against the 19th Ammendment, too, DIDN'T YOU!?
Producer: What? Are you talking about the suffrage movement? I wasn't alive then. What are you even talking about?
Me: What's YOUR MOM talking about?!
Producer: Okay, get her out of here. We'll just go with the midget.
*This isn't true. No one paid for this post. But if you want to throw some popcorn at me, I'll try to catch it with my mouth.