Friday, May 1, 2009

Today's Post Brought to you by Billy Mays*


Like any good American, I like to watch TV. (But primarily so that I can find things to make fun of. That part might be less a "good American" quality and more a "good New Yorker" one. Just ask my husband.)

So, lately I've been overcome by the ridiculousness of these infomercials I'm seeing. Naturally, there's the ShamWow(!), but now that the dude has been busted for like, punching a tongue-biting prostitute, I can't really get into it like I did before. Instead of laughing at his doofy hair and Norwegian jawline, I just picture him trying to clean up the bloody crime scene with his buy-one-get-one-free-for-emergencies-just-like-this. And it's just gross. Though, also clean, I'm sure. That mothereffer is absorbant.

To replace this guy I've turned to the Topsy Turvey and the Jupiter Jack. And I'll tell you why, in order, via lists. Because that's how I roll (OCD-ishly):

Topsy Turvey:

1. I cannot stand that the woman says it's a great way to grow CUKES. Something about that word makes me really angry, and I probably should've included it in yesterday's post. I AM working on my anger, but come on. This bitch is not helping.

2. It just LOOKS ridiculous. If this thing doesn't symbolize the laziness of American society today, then I don't know what does. Just go hoe yourself a garden, right? I mean, sure if you live in the city, I get it (kind of...not sure your neighbors will when they need to use the fire escape to flee a raging inferno and are met with a 5 foot tall punching-bag-tomato-monster-bush instead).

3. We totally own one. Look at this pathetic piece of crap (and try not to think of the pathetic "gardener" who installed it)


The Jupiter Jack

1. Have you seen this one yet? Holy crap. If there isn't anything more ridiculous than a bearded dude talking about how DANGEROUS it is to talk on a cell phone and drive all while he sits, DRIVING A CAR, and LOOKING AT THE CAMERA the entire time TO FILM A COMMERCIAL, then, well, I don't know what is. I guess the story about the Sham Wow(!) guy might be a little bit more ridiculous.

2. That's all I've got on this one.You know why? Because I'm fully envious of this dude. He's got to be freaking rich by now, right? He sells EVERYTHING! I'd love to have his job (or maybe just his money), but as evidenced by this post, I'm pretty sure I'd suck at it. Could you picture me trying to pawn off some Snuggies?

Let's pretend for a moment:



Scence: Studio, me wrapped in a Snuggie, lounging on a couch.

Producer: Aaaand, ACTION.

Me: [Psychotic smile, happily answering pretend-to-be-ringing phone] Fuhhck, why doesn't this thing have leg holes, too? I mean, it keeps slipping off my fucking toes. And my thighs aren't THAT big. Jeeze. Piece of shit.

Producer: Christ. CUT. [To me.] Listen, you have to stop talking through this. We actually just need you to stay quiet, and just lay there and look happy.

Me: Oh, really? Well, I suppose you voted against the 19th Ammendment, too, DIDN'T YOU!?

Producer: What? Are you talking about the suffrage movement? I wasn't alive then. What are you even talking about?

Me: What's YOUR MOM talking about?!

Producer: Okay, get her out of here. We'll just go with the midget.

__________

*This isn't true. No one paid for this post. But if you want to throw some popcorn at me, I'll try to catch it with my mouth.

11 comments:

  1. Billy Mays yells, I think its my dad, and then I piss myself.

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  2. anytime you end a post with a midget... it's gold. something tells me that we will be friends for a very long time. maybe not friends forever like zack and kelly.... but still... a long time.

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  3. Infomercials are one of the reasons I stopped watching TV entirely. That and Reality TV. I can't even watch TV at other peoples houses, because I ruin it for them with my continuous stream of sarcasm. It's awesome.

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  4. I'm not really sure what an infomercial is - I could google it couldn't it but I'm not gonna! - but I hate adverts and I'll bet I would hate informercials, it's the main reason I barely watch any TV at all.

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  5. Wait, we weren't supposed to have Snuggie fantasies about you until today? Oh, crap. Well, count me as one of those who jumped the gun.

    There's a guy in my group who wants to pave over his yard (all 0.1 acres of it) and put up a tall fence so that "nature" doesn't get into the area around his house.

    Naturally, he bought one of those Topsy Turvey things. And he's excited about it.

    I hope like hell he gets those big green tomato worms living on it.

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  6. what i would love to know is why infomercials still exist if their schtick is that 'you can only buy our crap on tv so order now!' yet every time you go into bed, bath, & beyond you're bombarded with snuggies (awesome pic, btw) and sham wows(!)?

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  7. People who own Snuggies are total losers. I definitely don't have one... nope, not me!

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  8. Frankenfinger: That guy is intimidating as hell. That's why all the old ladies are buying Oxi-Clean. They're scared he's going to beat the crap out of them.

    Jerrod: I'm discriminatory like that.

    HHH: You'd fit right in at our house during TV time.

    Mo: All you need to know about them is pretty much in this post. I'm Google-tastic like that.

    TIM: I thought a picture might help. Enjoy. As for the Topsy Turvey, I'm sure the plant will be dead in about three weeks.

    Lana: Seriously! Since when did BB&B get into the Snuggie business?

    LiLu: Your secret is (not) safe with me!

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  9. Snuggies are killing the mail order toga industry. Saw your comments on mjenks...

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  10. Eric: Keen observation. Also, it's okay if you leave mjenks for me. He told me so.

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  11. Frankenfinger: That guy is intimidating as hell. That's why all the old ladies are buying Oxi-Clean. They're scared he's going to beat the crap out of them.

    Jerrod: I'm discriminatory like that.

    HHH: You'd fit right in at our house during TV time.

    Mo: All you need to know about them is pretty much in this post. I'm Google-tastic like that.

    TIM: I thought a picture might help. Enjoy. As for the Topsy Turvey, I'm sure the plant will be dead in about three weeks.

    Lana: Seriously! Since when did BB&B get into the Snuggie business?

    LiLu: Your secret is (not) safe with me!

    ReplyDelete