Friday, May 22, 2009

This Post Will Totally Gross You Out Make You Laugh!

Yesterday, erin reminded me of this crazy news story from last summer: The Montauk Monster. Once she said the name I googled what the hell she was talking about, I was all, "OHH YEAH! What the hell ever came of that thing anyway?" It was all FUN and MYSTERY and then, blah. Nothin'. Talk aboutchyour MONSTER APATHY! Hah! Hah! heh.

(Apparently it joined the Obama campaign)

But really, was this just a regional sensation or did it go nationwide? Because I'm pretty sure this thing should be way more cooler than Bigfoot for a few reasons:

1. There's a body. Well, was. I guess it was stolen by operatives.
2. It looks badass even when dead and bloated (That's what Scott Weiland said.)
3. It's name has alliteration.

Have you seen this thing? Because it's, well, it's gross, but it's also clearly like, what is that?!


Okay, so naturally there are theories. Let's hash them out. From what I could find, these are the following highly-scientific-ish hypotheses:

1. Dog. This seems the most believable, but I'm not swallowing a beak-nosed dog theory without lots of science that just confuses me to the point of submission. Beer or wine would also help.

2. Raccoon. What? Again, beak-nosed raccoon? Also, some scientist dude says the limb proportions are off or something. I'm still staring at the nifty beak. Kind of reminds me of this Toucan bird toy I had as a child. Little beakie.

3. Sea Turtle. Long ass tail for a turtle, people. And apparently turtles don't have those teeth either. Blahblahblahscience.

4. FAKERY. I guess some are saying that the photo is fake or that someone just latexed themselves up a monster out of boredom. I thought I remembered hearing that samples were taken to test at the time it was found or something, but whatever, it probably sounded to sciencey and I fell asleep.

5. MUTANT. This one seems TOTALLY legit. And I'll tell you why. Anyone who knows Long Island knows there's a crazy cancer link, but I totally forget what it is, so if you could spread that one around, that'd be great. ALSO, there's some kind of animal disease testing center near where this thing was found. But what KIND of mutant? The kind that is from OUTER SPACE and EATS CHILDREN?! These are pretty important questions. Good thing I'm here to ask them.

6. WHO CARES. Okay, okay, I hear you, but before you completely laugh off my toe-dip into monsterology, perhaps you should know that they found A SECOND ONE! Oh that's right, Jimmy Beam, and the webmaster of montauk-monster dot COM has this to say (please disregard his inability to use a semi-colon properly; I'm sure he's still wicked intelligent on the matter):

I wanted to think about the best way to expose this to the public. Since I own this medium, and have a genuine interest in the subject matter, I’d like to be the first to share this you. We did not contact any authorities as from previous experiences; the carcass has been taken from the finders or mysteriously “stolen”. If this is a genetic mishap from Plum Island, we’d like to sell the remains to an independent lab for study. It has become a race against the clock as the couple who originally found “Beastie” are diligently putting more ice into the cooler to keep the carcass fresh.

Also, I’ve thought about the possibilities that this carcass may be carrying H1N1 influenza. (The Swine Flu) Sorry, my mind is racing now, but I haven’t ruled out biological warfare on this yet. A diseased carcass floating in waterways around Long Island could be infecting the water, fish, etc. We still need to remember that Plum Island is where Lyme Disease originated, it’s really not too far fetched to believe that this carcass (if from Plum Island) could be carrying bacteria or disease.

That's right. We're talking BIOLOGICAL WARFARE!(?)

And, ATTENTION GERALDO PEEPS: don't ask him to go on your little mustached show, because he DOESN'T WANT TO GO. He just wants to sell the carcass.


Also, here's the dude's footage of this second monster (who looks a bit less awesome than the first). But really, care less about what you're seeing and more about what you're hearing. It's awesome Long Island for you:

P.S., even Snopes is stumped on this one.

P.P.S, If you're bored enough, read through the comments on that post on the Monster site. I especially love the one by a Dr. M Smithfield who hopes that everyone who thinks it's anything but a dog is MENTALLY RETARDED. Also, the commenter who says that what really worries her is that this creature has a mother and father somewhere.

(SOOO, what do you think, people?! Let's bust this open and take that chump's limo ride to the Geraldo show! I've always kind of wanted to pull that guy's mustache pretty hard.)


  1. its probably something you dug up in that garden of yours!!!

  2. mostly based on the fact that it looks like a dried out sausage, my vote is totally for fakery. and, btw, i interned at that animal testing place you mentioned (it's part of the department of energy) out by the hamptons and it was one of only two federal facilities to have a nuclear reactor. but their shit was on lockdown, machine guns at the gates and all.

  3. It's a raccoon carcass.

    This was national enough. The term "Montauk Monster" was coined by renowned Cryptozoologist Loren Coleman. He showed the original pictures on his site,, and there was a healthy debate over it. When the second one washed up, he mentioned it but there wasn't much debate over it.

    I believe Monster Quest, that show from the History Channel, did an episode on the Montauk Monster, so, yeah, it's been around.

    That guy with the swine flu theory: crack pot.

  4. Wow, one mention and you're all over this like Willard Scott on five year old girls.

    But, I did totally watch the video and those guys sound freaking hilarious.

    My vote is a dog. I mean, they find humans all the time so bloated they can't tell what the heck they are. It's not the 'beak' that throws me off, it's the weird paddley paws. Then I think sea turtle, but what happens to their shells? Ugh...I just wrote a post about some dumb bloated probably fake monster thing.

  5. I think it looks like the dry turkey Clark Griswold cut into at Christmas.

  6. That is an amazing Long Island accent. Also, I'm calling fakery just for the mere fact that they filmed this at night. Come on, really? Really? "Dude, so weird, sorry but we had to film it when it was really super dark and you could barely see it, bro, just cause like that's the only time my camera worked. Ever."

  7. It is commendable that you had Monster Apathy. Only true Americans can. I was so scared of this thing I was afraid it was the end of the world. Mostly because it came from Long Island.

  8. Mr. C: Dude, I squealed when I saw a cicada shell, ok? Let's all be glad I didn't dig this shit up.

    Lana: I'm with you, but secretly hoping it was a rogue mutant from your secret-stealthy former stomping grounds.

    TIM: I'm totally going to look for that MQ episode. But also, yes. It's pretty much all crackpot nonsense, eh?

    Jerrod: You can make Christmas Vacation references forever and we'll always be besties.

    Walter: It's really the purpose of this post. To make fun of Long Island.

    Kurt: Me too! Then I forgot about it.

  9. No, no, no...that's just Paris Hilton's soul. She pooped it out on the beach because what she looks like on the inside had become too vile for even her to contain.