Wednesday, May 27, 2009

There's No Title for Something This Amazing

I'm having difficulty coming up with material for today's post for exactly two reasons:

1. My youngest, T9, is having, well, intestinal issues. This means that I have spent much of yesterday (and likely will spend much of today) worrying about his shit. Literally. And you know what the worst part is? I totally don't WANT to worry about his shit! This isn't even that schmanxiety stuff either; I'm placing blame SQUARELY on Mother Nature or biology or G - D, or whateverthehell you want to call it. Because someone definitely hardwired WORRY into the maternal gene. I know I'm not the only one. And it's crap. Quite literally, in this situation. See how ironic my life is? *sigh*

2. Evidently, the oddly placed sunburn I acquired last week from my monumental feat of yardwork has reached it's half-life, because Momma is starting to ITCH like a mothergrabber. THIS means that I spent most of yesterday (and likely much of today) rubbing up against walls and doorjambs like a dog in heat (they rub, don't they?) To top off the metaphor, it appears that I also got a good amount of sun on the back of my ears. No joke. So I'm rubbing on hard surfaces, groaning, wincing, all while slapping rhythmically at the back of my ears like a damn canine fleabag.

Certainly you can see how I'm distracted.

But I lied. There's a third reason:

3. I've been whoring it out for more readers. Not that I don't love the ones I have, because I DO. It's just that I don't want you to get lonely!

Soooooo....after reading like a hundred new blogs and then getting bored and falling asleep, I had a dream about Twitter and was like, AHA! So, I got some celebrity endorsements! Are you surprised?! Ha! I knew you would be. So, here are my new readers...I mean, your friends...I mean, figments of my cats' imaginations:

First, Chuck Palahelindlisu;eir...or, the dude who wrote Fight Club, but was too lame to pick a pseudonym that people would actually be able to spell. That's why I got him so cheap. People are too annoyed to Google that shit.

This guy was NOT cheap, but I got a discount for taking it in, um..."Asian" language (Japanese? Korean? I'm so un-PC.) You can trust me when I say this (loosely) translates to mean that he thinks my site is smoother than scotch. Also my skin. But that last part was totally inappropriate because I'm a married woman, you pig.

Once I got Clooney, the Pope jumped right on board. (Umm...why is he wearing a wedding ring?) Also, this can't be offensive. Because I'm Catholic. Well, was. Or, pretended to be. Okay, I'm a heathen and will likely burn in hell. So it can't be offensive for that reason, too.

Now, this badboy I'm most proud of, for obvious reasons. I was kinda bummed he wouldn't wear the unicorn shirt with the WitV logo, but Chucky doesn't like to put things in writing. He's classy like that. Instead, I got him to vow he'd be my website's machine-gun backup in case it ever got attacked by ninjas. Or thugs with mullets.

So, I've pretty much used up the $42.72 that my Google Ads have earned. I hope you guys are happy. It was either spend the money on that or the cats' yearly vaccinations.

I love you guys. More than I love my cats, anyway.


P.S. All the above images were utterly stolen and manipulated for this site. I'm pretty sure that last part makes it all legal. So I'm gonna throw up one of these badboys (©) for good measure.


  1. so basically i'm good enough to hang with the pope AND chuck norris?? i don't hear that every day, even though in my heart of hearts i always knew it to be true :)

  2. I have a whole bunch of celebrities endorsing my blog too...
    It's just that I had to sign a confidentiality agreement and...right...
    I bet celebrities WOULD like it, if given the chance my blog would shine.

  3. If nothing else, this sunburn thing has allowed you to spread your musk about the place, showing the cats once and for all who is in charge.

  4. is that the sprint logo on the pope's hand?

    all i know is that when you go mainstream... take me with you. i'll do anything. ANYTHING.

  5. If the Chuck says it's good, it's good.

  6. Yessss! Chuck Norris. Good work. I was pretty pleased when I saw Popetastic, but Chuck Norris trumps all. Good work in getting him on board.

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  8. Does anybody really fear Chuck Norris? I'm sick of this jackknob pretending he's even remotely hard core.

  9. I fear the pope. Even without the holy machine guns.

  10. Lana: It's true. You and me are sitting at the cool kids' table from now on. Even if they stick signs on our backs.

    erin: Mine too, sister. Mine too.

    TIM: Musk? Let's just call it what it is, mister. I smell. Badly.

    Jerrod: It is. I thought it looked magical so I left it in. Or it was too hard to erase. Also, you are SO coming with. Though, I'm prittydarnshure I'm not goin' anywhere. Maybe a state conference.

    Sally-Sal: That's what she said?

    Walter: That's what I've heard. And I'm here to please you. And annoy my cats.

    Pollicino: I'm going to pretend you're not a spammer and assume my endorsements won me more readers! Yay!

    B: He's not. That's why it's so great. I'm pretty sure he's actually a 12 year-old girl wearing a zip-up costume.

    Eric: ME TOO. Dude is creepy looking, right? Or are you talking about his connections with BigG? Either way, I guess.

  11. If nothing else, this sunburn thing has allowed you to spread your musk about the place, showing the cats once and for all who is in charge.