Thursday, May 28, 2009

A Post Where I Almost Manage Not to Talk About My Cats

Me: What should I write about today, Plus One?

Plus One: Dohnno Momma, dohnno.

Me: Hmmm, try to think of something.

Plus One: Watch Thomas the Train? [smirk.]

Me: Oh right. I could put this up (probably without acknowledging that I saw it over at Us and Them like a month ago):

Plus One: Ohhhno. Thomas the train sleeping!

Me: Avert your eyes, my child.

[to T9]: What about you? Have any suggestions for today's blog post?

T9: mah-bababa-MAH! [puke.]

Me: [referring to baby decoder ring.] Hey, listen, I was just trying to help you poop. But fine, I'll promise the Internet that I'll never massage you with a dough ball. It's not like I was going to try it...
It does look nauseating, doesn't it?

T9: [kickkickkick...sleep.]

Me: [Dramatic sigh.] Guess I'll ask the furballs. [Chases cats around the living room, hands out for catching purposes.] C'mon you little bastards, I just want to TALK!

Fluffy Shit: [Hides under couch, claws positioned for removing my eyeballs.]


Me: Fuck you, cat.

[Texts husband]: Writer's block, yo.

Husband: What? I'm busy. At work. You know, WORK.


Husband: I don't have time for this. WE DON'T HAVE A DOG.

Me: [Curses fucking fat fingers.]


So I've exhausted my sources of inspiration slash material, kids. What now? I am probably going to Wal-Mart tomorrow, so that should bring a story or twelve. Other than that, my split personality keeps saying, "Ew, K. No one wants to hear that story." or "This isn't even funny" or "Yes, you can eat five cookies for breakfast. THEY HAVE SPRINKLES!"

Looks like you're up. C'mon. I spent my blog's life savings on you yesterday. Surely you can give me some material!? Have some questions for me? Song requests? Want me to design you a new blog template (ha, that's a joke)? Perhaps you want to know how I plan to pay for my children's cats' counseling sessions?

I don't care. I'm desperate. For now anyway. I'm fickle like that.


  1. that dough ball illustration is scary :( i know i don't have to worry about you trying it because when the hell would you ever have some spare dough laying around.

  2. 1) I want a blog template but since you were joking I'm just goign to have to slash your tires.

    2) Where do babies come from? Vagina's or A storks vagina?

    3) I really don't have a three, I just didn't want the 2 to be lonely.

  3. you should do a post about how we met. and make it all dramatic. in the story I see myself saying "not now, woman!" a lot. could be interesting.

  4. Whenever I ask my husband for blog ideas he says, you know, there are people with REAL PROBLEMS in the world.

    And then I write about what a jerk he is.

  5. I call Jeremiah a billion times a day. I'm surprised he hasn't canceled his cell phone service yet.
    "Erin, what's up? I'm a little busy"
    "Hi! Excited to hear from me, eh? I'm just checking in with you, baby."
    "I just talked to you 25 minutes said the same exact thing then too"

  6. Lana: Right? I'd eat that shit. Raw.

    McCracken: 1) Blog template people get all the chicks. Er, readers.

    2) They usually come from contact with someone who has been infected. Or just from the mite itself...wait...OH you said BABIES, not scabies! Kinda the same though.

    3) A list of two is a lame list.

    Jerrod: Consider it done. When I get to it.

    Logical Libby: I'd do that, but my husband would probably start a blog to get back at me and his would totally be better and steal all my readers. So I suffer in silence. *sniff*

    erin: I'm good at texting. Calls can be ignored, but who can resist a text? No one. That's who.

  7. Write about cat counseling. Come on, do it, it'd be totally sweet. Maybe...
    But I have faith in Walmart to provide you with stories. I mean, it is Walmart. It's filled with story-worthy people

  8. Most depressing moment in my life was the day I found myself written in the chronicles of Walmart inspired blogdom.

  9. Oh, also, turns out that you have the fighting section for the guest blog, so you know, good luck and thanks for participating.

  10. That Thomas picture is brilliant. Presumably since seeing it your kids have spray-painted the cats?!