Friday, May 15, 2009

Interview With a Rockstar

I once told people at my old job that I was going to quit teaching, move to the city and interview rockstars. I was serious.

Instead I got married and had a couple of kids. Same-same.

But today, in a crazy twist of events I'M actually the rockstar! Because, LOOK, people are asking me questions! And when I go check my mail here in a minute, the freaking 'razzi will be all up in my FACE. I'll toss my hair coyly so they get a good shot, but then I will get all Mama Bear and shit because I'm like, "Not in front of my CHILDREN you ANIMALS!"

1. why do you prefer glasses to contacts, despite the occasional lisa loeb comparison?

Way to really jump into the meaty shit, dude. Sigh. The truth is that I haven't had any Lisa Loeb comparisons since I've turned old and matronly. Which is ironic because Alanis Morrisette said so (I totally stole that from someone. I'd give credit here but I don't keep things like "sources" stored in my brain for too know, for security purposes.)

But this brings up the opportunity for me to post an old picture where I delineate all the ways in which I don't look like Lisa Loeb by placing letters on our faces and getting all scientific and comparison-y. I'm not posting the text because I don't want you to unearth my old blog. I could write something new, but I'm lazy. However, I will still post the pictures because A) It's from when I was young and beautiful inebriated, and I like to pretend those days still exist and B) I have no ability to maintain cohesion or clarity within my posts:

So, wait, what was the question?

Right, glasses. The truth is that I have dry eyeballs. Like, really dry. And I'm kind of pissed that the pharmaceutical peeps of the world think RESTLESS LEG "syndrome" is worth medicating, but my INCESSANT blinking and water chugging is not. They don't live my pain.

But my recent trip to the optometrist revealed that I also might have poor eyeball hygiene. But once the doctor insulted my eyeballs like that, I pretty much tuned her out, because what the fuck? I douse those badboys with Listerine like twice weekly!

2. would you rather swim in a pool, the ocean, or the hudson river?

First, lakes? Rivers? No effing way. Because they're opaque, and if I can't tell immediately whether I've stepped on a parranah, a heroin needle or a fucking rock, I'm not down.

But also, I don't really like swimming. In anything. And I'll tell you why. In tenth grade I took swimming as a gym elective, which kind of sounds all hoitey-toitey private schoolish, but whatever. Clearly I'm white trash. SO, the swimming was obviously stressful because I had to wear a bathing suit. But I was being CONFIDENT and saying EFF YOU to advertisement-seduced America. Every week, I strapped on my not-long-enough hot pink waffled one piece even if it did get completely eaten by my ass. I didn't need things like "PROPER COVERAGE" to feel beautiful.

Then one day in class, my teacher told me to lay off the donuts. Right, he's a dick. I was sad. Blahblahblah.

The next week he had the entire boys' swim team sitting in the bleachers, waiting for us (fatties) to finish up. When I got out of the pool, I imagined audible laughter, but I'm pretty sure they were more impressed by my bold color choice. I mean, they're all gay, right?

THEN, my friend got attacked my the red-headed freaky boy who thought it would be cool to pretend to be a shark.

So, like, after all that shit, I guess I choose...I chooose...NOT TO SWIM! (Yeah, that's stolen, too.)

3. using your porn name (first pet + street you grew up on) as the main character, please give a brief summary of the movie about your life.

Tweetie Ulster (or Tweetie Pierces? Tweety East? We moved a lot.) was the worst-named porn star ever. She spent about two weeks trying to get a gig until she realized that it was hopeless. The next day, she awoke with a vision. Tweetie cashed in her life savings and bought an ill-fitting neon swimsuit. She enrolled for her school's swim class with the confidence of a stripper and, in the final scene, swan dives into the deep end, her ass pimples completely exposed.

It's a romantic comedy.

4. why does the drive through atm have braille on the keypad?

For your mom.

5. is it possible to have a relapse to your windex smell addiction?

Like, I can't even BELIEVE you brought that up. For everyone who isn't familiar with AmmoniaDism, I'll just say briefly that YES it is completely plausible that one could enjoy the smell of Windex to a point where it becomes more fragrant than a blooming fucking rose, ok? And like, if I could just get a little whiff while I wipe down this mirror, I'd feel so much CALMER you know...fucking AROMATHERAPY. God.

So, to answer your question, yes. Anything is possible. But I've removed all mirrors from my house as a precaution. Oh, and windows.

Alright. I'm a cave dweller (and by cave dweller, I mean I live under the highway overpass). Fuck you! DO YOU SEE WHAT ADDICTION HAS DONE TO ME?!


So, these questions were part of like a tagging thing, KIND OF. Because I'm way too cool for tags and memes and stuff. But I'm NOT too cool to interview you. Mainly because I'm a professional and it'll give me a chance to relive the glory days. So if you want some interview questions because you can't think of anything to write about like me you want the chance to talk about yourself without looking like a complete narcissist, then let me know in the comments section. I'll mail them to you via carrier pigeon or some shit.


  1. I'm ready. Just so you know, I will probably lie about most of it. Unless I have to relive the time I dated the entire cheerleading AND pom squads. Entirely true.

    And is it okay if I start calling you Master Betty?

    (1,000 points if you get the movie)

  2. I prefer glasses to contact purely because glasses don't a) get grit under them, b) get itchy in an air-con office and c) don't drive me INSANE!

  3. sometimes rockstars have to go all incognito and shit and hide out in the burbs. i think it's a job requirement.

  4. I probably can't say too much because of like confidentiality and such, but *shifty-eyed* help for your dry-eye might be on the way.

    Oh no. Here they come. I gotta go.

  5. What is our rockstars views on Guitar Hero :P ?

  6. Jerrod: What the heck is a pom squad? Also, I even tried Googling Master Betty to scam you, but I got nothing.

    Mo: Halle-freaking-lujah. You and me. We know what's up.

    Lana: Exactly! Had to take one for the team. The, uh, rockstar team.

    TIM: Come back! GIVE ME THE DRUGS!

    Prometheus: I suck at that shit. Therefore, I hate it!

  7. Eye hygiene???? I seem to have missed out on one of life's lessons... Thanks mom & dad...

  8. I usually avoid large bodies of water myself, but mostly because when I was much younger my father decided the only way to teach me how to swim was to take me in his arms, wade out and then hurl me screaming into the water. I have yet to learn how to swim.

    I was also born cross-eyed and had three surgeries to correct it. Was good times! I still can't see all that well. Or at least, I don't have whole vision. It's not double, more like 1 1/4 vision. It's weird.

  9. Eric: Right?! What the eff is EYEBALL hygiene?!

    HHH: Dude, Daddio sounds AWESOME. I bet there were even sharks circling in the distance. So what, kid? It's an ADVENTURE. HAVE FUN.

    Also, sucks about your vision. Maybe this means you save money on liquor? (How many times have you heard that one, eh?)