Monday, May 11, 2009

I Have High Class Problems*

So, remember that part when I said I'd return on Monday all refreshed with lots of wonderful things to write? What? No?! Well, maybe you should be reading more carefully, PUNK.

But really, what the hell was I thinking? I spent the weekend obsessing about my research paper, eating BBQ'd pork, pretending to come up with a great idea for a post that compares me to Pip, and then mostly debating whether or not I should attend my graduation into MASTERdom.

So, ultimately that's what this is going to be all about. Me telling you about my high class problems and you getting ALL into it and helping me figure out how to ease my uncomplicated life. Sound good?

Sweet.

So here it is: This Friday. Go? Don't go? Let's do pro's and con's:

PROS: (But not PRO-pro...it's not like there's cheerleaders or anything)

--> Get out of the house for 3 hours. It'll be a mini goddamn vacation, people.

--> Walk across the stage and listen to the crowd ROAR and CHANT (KRIS-TINE MAS-TER! KRIS-TINE, MAS-TER...which might sound a lot like PRIS-TINE BAS-TARD! PRIS-TINE BAS-TARD! amongst all the cheers, and that could get confusing and maybe problematic when I grab the microphone and challenge the whole room to fight me my husband after class).

--> FAME AND FORTUNE! And by fame I mean relative anonymity in a sea of black, and by fortune, I mean about $30,000 in unsubsidized student loans. YAY!

--> The undying memories and ability to tell amazing jokes that begin with the phrase, "So, I walked into an auditorium..." (I'm not so good at telling jokes).

--> LIVE BLOGGING. (Oh yeah, I said it. Who's nasty!?...wait, sorry, I don't know what that last part means.)

CONS:

--> Sit in an auditorium for 3 hours. Like, next to utter strangers. You think this awkward chick makes friends?

--> Walk across the stage and strain to hear my sole cheerleader (the hubster) hooting for me (like, Arsenio-old-school style).

--> I'd have to shake hands with strangers when they give me my empty diploma case, and they might have the ol' oinking death. Is it rude to spray people with Lysol? Even if you are now officially intelligent?

--> I might fall asleep and miss the whole thing. Momma K has a sleep deficit about the size of her ASS. (that is to say, LARGE and DIMPLY).

--> LIVE BLOGGING (on a fucking Razr...but if you want, you can buy me a Blackberry as a congratulatory gift...or just for entertaining you daily and giving you a reason to WAKE UP IN THE MORNING).

Oh, my head aches arleady, darlings. Be a doll and fetch me a cold compress and make my decisions for me, would you?

And LOOK I have a BONUS again! You know I'm feeling the guilt of shit writing when I throw my kid in at the end to garner the OOHs and AAHHHs.

This was essentially my Mother's Day gift. Plus One *never* lets me catch his good tricks on camera. Here, not only does he sing, but he plays ACCOMPANYING DRUMS! And totally gets all old-school-freestylin' at the end. Like, HARDCORE ON THE ABC'S, yo.

video

(Good singing, buddy! Momma loves the Snuggle Bug.)

But SNAP OUT OF IT! Don't be too distracted by the cuteness. BIG DECISIONS, people. BIG. Good thing it's not up to me. I crumble under pressure.
__________

*Stay tuned for the next installment: Order my dinner for me, darling? I simply cannot read in my condition!


12 comments:

  1. I would say DEFINITELY go...but only on the condition that they allow Plus One to give a live perfromance, in your honor, at said event.

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  2. Hmm, well, graduations are dull, so unless you could scupper your degree by not going, I'd say don't go. Besides, we can all chant 'Krist-ine Mas-ter' for you.

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  3. well, if you go, you can always make up the chants in your head (not too much of a stretch), watch videos of the amazingly talented plus one while you wait for your name to be called, and have lysol wipes stashed in your pocket for immediately after the hand shake. have the mr. take some pics and then when you show them to me i'll cheer and clap too as if i was there.

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  4. Oh you should go for sure. It's never every day that someone is inducted into the halls of masterdom. Enjoy it, or hate every second of it and come home and write a long bitter post. Win-Win.

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  5. I'm a speed reader and I think I got whiplash when you used "debating" and "MASTERdom" in the same sentence. :0

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  6. Go! Because, it's not like you are going to get another Master's next year... Plus, the hats are fun to throw unless someone's eye gets put out...

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  7. From one master to another: don't bother! You're too good for them(obviously), and by not going, you can show them that you are truly above them [insert evil laugh].

    You should host a private ceremony (VIPs only) where Plus One performs. That'd be kick ass.

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  8. Large and dimply? No way. In Oklahoma, we call that 'hail damage'.

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  9. Tell people that you're going and then skip out and do something fun.

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  10. I didn't go to my MASTER's graduation. I pulled my eyes open, bloodshot, hungover, staring at the sun like it was God's flashlight, peeled the tongue off the top of my mouth, tried to remember if I puked or not, reminded myself I was too old for this, and, as I reached for a little hair of the dog, loudly announced "Hey Pat, I think I just graduated!" And then I farted.

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  11. OEM: I think Plus One might rather host the biggest soccer ball game ever. Also, all the black robes might scare me...I mean, HIM.

    Mo: You will?! Okay, go ahead. You can start now. Could you rub my neck at the same time?

    Lana: Yeah, I'm thinking the daydream version will be much more entertaining.

    erin: Blogging material is pretty much the only PRO in my mind. I just can't decide if I like this blog THAT much.

    Cortico: Please don't sue me. I'm not insured.

    Eric: I KNOW! The little girl inside me wants balloons and flowers and cupcakes!

    gina: I AM too good, aren't I? Plus, they probably wont' give me any fucking balloons.

    Sally-Sal: If you only knew.

    Captain Dumbass: I'm not sure I know what fun is anymore.

    TIM: I AM too old for that stuff. Literally, dude. Two beers is enough to induce that kind of hangover for this lady. Plus I fart enough without the alcohol.

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  12. OEM: I think Plus One might rather host the biggest soccer ball game ever. Also, all the black robes might scare me...I mean, HIM.

    Mo: You will?! Okay, go ahead. You can start now. Could you rub my neck at the same time?

    Lana: Yeah, I'm thinking the daydream version will be much more entertaining.

    erin: Blogging material is pretty much the only PRO in my mind. I just can't decide if I like this blog THAT much.

    Cortico: Please don't sue me. I'm not insured.

    Eric: I KNOW! The little girl inside me wants balloons and flowers and cupcakes!

    gina: I AM too good, aren't I? Plus, they probably wont' give me any fucking balloons.

    Sally-Sal: If you only knew.

    Captain Dumbass: I'm not sure I know what fun is anymore.

    TIM: I AM too old for that stuff. Literally, dude. Two beers is enough to induce that kind of hangover for this lady. Plus I fart enough without the alcohol.

    ReplyDelete