Thursday, May 7, 2009

Getting to Know You...I Mean, Me.*

So, you've met my know about my amazing Paint skills. But do you really know the face behind this AMAZING blog? Don't you want to know?! (Say yes).

But also, people, I am tapped OUT. Do you see that picture? It's the STRESS. Plus, I'm kind of brain dead from this research I'm scrambling to tie together which is why I'm spending my time painting things on cartoons and C-List celebrities in Paint (oh, and myself and my children). But I have this compulsion to post DAILY, like, no matter WHAT. So I'm looking through some old pictures (to procrastinate, really) and am going to come up with something funny to say about them. Everyone likes a good photo montage, right? And a chance to talk about themselves back when they were skinny and beautiful young and famous?

This is me and Lana, about four(?) years ago, on Cinco de Mayo. You know, back before children, when random foreign holidays were an excellent reason to go to a bar and pretend your ancestors were--in this case--Mexican. You can see it in my eyes, right? And what, today's pretty close to May 5, so this picture is completely topical. It will probably have very little to do with the next picture, however.

Let's see, oh yeah, this one's pretty good...

This is the dog that I abandoned at my parents' house when I snagged my future-husband and moved up and out. She's got psychological problems and is a nervous eater. That's probably my fault. But also, the people that initially abandoned her at the shelter where I bought her. But they were so much worse, for sure. I mean, they ABANDONED probably beat her. Look at her eyes, though! That hate is all for me.

Here's one I like because it points out that I went through a phase of identity crisis and felt pressure by corporate America to dye my hair blond (and what the hell? I thought blond was spelled BLONDE?). Also, it shows that my arms were skinny at one point in my life. So maybe you could remember me this way.

This little gem is from when I went to this Warped Tour a few years back because I won the tickets while surfing online during my summer job working for this anti-smoking club for kids. And maybe I should've given them to the kids, but they liked mostly rap anyway. I pretty much just went to take pictures of all the emo kids and make fun of them on my old blog. And I guess I'm kind of doing that again right here. I'm sure they were lovely kids, just trying to make an honest buck off some stolen cameras.

Here's me skydiving. You know, back before I was the classy, responsible woman you know now. This guy definitely tried to assault me moments before we lept out of the plane. He's got a good gig going, seeing as it'd be fairly stupid to kick him in the balls right before it's time for him to make sure I stay alive while plummeting back to earth. It was fun, aside from that part. Dick.

Okay, I think we'll end with this one. Back to the blonde phase. But I like this one because A) my husband is a stud and B) once, my neighbor saw this picture on our bookshelf (I had it framed...HAD) and she was all..."Wait, whose dog is that? Is that [redacted] posing with a Golden Retriever?" No joke.

I am that Golden Retriever people. Loyal forEVER. Or until my hips give out or I catch the scent of some stray animal and get lost in the woods two blocks from my house.


*I've added the followers option because I'M TIRED OF FIGHTING anymore. No but really, it should be easy now to get your daily dose of my awesomeness. So fucking follow me, okay? I'll try not to get neurotic and needy and alienate my friends. But I can't make any promises.


  1. keep painting over pictures, it always makes me laugh!

  2. The blond vs blonde thing still confuses me. I've just accepted that it has beaten me and I just go with the flow.

  3. I like that lone, red forehead splotch in the first

  4. Your hubby looks a scosh jaundice in that last picture. He may want to back of the scotch and have a liver panel.

  5. awww, is angie still alive? i forgot about her, it's been so long... good for you for getting the skydiving pics developed, mine never made it out of the little film cannister.

    ps. i've always loved that pic of you and mr. van on the beach.

  6. Just popped over from mjenks and love your blog. Only, you're pretty and funny and you can skydive whilst looking like someone else so according to girl law I have to bitch about you behind your back. I'll keep it to a minimum though.

  7. Actually, the sky diving dude is the type of dude that gets off on almost assaulting almost and is enjoying the fruits of his labor in that photo.

  8. I'd try to guilt you about the dog there, but I'm pretty sure your cats would keep the poor thing on the run if she ever met them.

  9. Mr. C: I'm a one-note kinda gal. This is pretty much my only talent.

    Mo: I'm too competitive for that. I'm going to hunt down some Merriam Webster punks here in a minute.

    Brian: The zit is a tricky subject material in Paint, I'll tell you that.

    Frankenfinger: How do you think he stays happily married to me?! No, KIDDING. He's just a bit shy and I don't blame him...when I hit it big, the paparazzi are gonna be hounding his ass 24/7.

    Lana: Still kicking. Slightly obese. That shot is at Lake Champlain, New Years' Day...fricking freezing.

    Anna: Dude, you sound like my twin. I'm totally comfortable with love-hate relationships :)

    erin: Good point! He does look like he's in face suggest pure glee, however, and I'm not sure that makes much sense.

    Broc: I DID actually try to move her in with us even before the cats but she completely spazzed without B-Bomb. Plus, she has that whole I-like-to-maul-young-children thing going.

  10. Oh, that puppy! I want to give her the biggest hug ever... I'm afraid one of my kittens is turning into a nervous eater because her big sister is a bully, and I don't know what to do!

    Also, following as directed ;-)

  11. See, you give me awards, I give you web traffic. And gonorrhea. No, wait. Scratch that second one.

  12. This was a fun post to read for a first0time visitor. You're kind of an odd one, yeah?

  13. Great pictures. Even the big wart on your nose can't hide your hawtness

  14. LiLu: As long as you're older than, like 10, you can hug her without losing a limb. Also, our two cats are brother/sister and he beats the crap out of her regularly. She's like half his size because he hoards the food. Dick.

    TIM: Wait, you think I did this for TRAFFIC? What do you take me for?! (Oh...well, yeah, that's probably pretty on-point.)

    TAB: Welcome! And, yeah.

    Sally-Sal: You are my new FAVORITE.

  15. My vote is brunette. Or just for fun... try red and post a picture here. Or, heck, just paint it in. :)

  16. This was a fun post to read for a first0time visitor. You're kind of an odd one, yeah?

  17. I'd try to guilt you about the dog there, but I'm pretty sure your cats would keep the poor thing on the run if she ever met them.