Monday, May 4, 2009

Cats...Are Made For Your Head*

So this post was going to be purely about this dude Andrei Codrescu who I totally love because he's foreign and funny. When you're funny, that's great, but adding an accent is kind of like adding boobs to your punchline. It's always funnier. That's why HE has a book deal and you (I) don't. Frigging foreigners.

So, yeah, this WAS going to be about how much I love him. I WAS going to post a fancy clip of this funny essay he reads about craptatstic Burger King.

Then I couldn't find it anywhere online. Ironically, I first HEARD it online. What the fuck?

But after raging silently for a few hours, I thought...WHATEVER. I'll go with the Feral Cats one! That's a classic. So, I found that one, but I've now I've arrived back at my technological capacity. I've hit the WALL, people. Here is my predicament:

Predicament (like I just said): I cannot embed this audio within my post.

WHY this is a predicament:

1. I look like a chump. (I'm pretty sure I'm not, though. However, I admit freely here that I'm not really sure what a chump is.)

2. If you're anything like me, you need FLASH if you're going to click on a link. Like, it needs to be accompanied by a fancy picture or a damn triangular play button. And if I'm not here to entertain you, then WHY AM I HERE?! I feel like I'm failing you.

3. If you don't listen to the clip, it's just a post where I'm bitching, and fuck me, but there have been an awful lot of those lately. And I don't want you to get the wrong idea! I'm almost always sunshine and butterflies. Just like Miley Cyrus. Just not as rich. And with smaller teeth.


So, here. Just take it. [Kicking the link across the floor. It bounces against my stuccoed walls and skins its knuckles. I point and laugh.].

And if you're NOT too lazy (or DON'T have ADD, like me) and you ACTUALLY LISTEN to this hilarious clip, then I can talk a little bit about how we had like three feral cats hanging outside our new house. And that when we called the maintenance people, they came with a trap. So we were like, sure, fine. I mean, what ELSE can you do about feral cats other than chase them around the neighborhood, using your toddler to lure them, then sneaking up from behind with your hands out before you, in a scooping hold, primed for attack? I totally didn't try that first.

Then, after they took the first one away (the kinda nice one actually, the one that some shit family probably just left behind. They're EXACTLY the kind of people that don't click on links, too) I asked my husband if the guy was taking it to the Humane Society. When we explored the options OTHER than taking it to the Humane Society, we decided that we didn't really want to know. The cats WERE making our cats crazy(er) after all, what with the howling and the mating sounds (or something equally gross). Maybe they DESERVED to die (AND I HOPE THEY ROT IN HELL! *the courtroom oohs and ahhs*)

But in the end, we still felt kinda guilty, and we always eyeball this maintenance guy suspiciously, whispering CAT KILLER! in our heads. All the while, we're really just wishing we lived in Iowa. Because then, dead cat or not, we'd at least be $15 richer.


*Double-U Tee Eff! Another thing I can't find online. I can't be the only one that remembers this song from elementary school, can I? Hats (dah-nah-nah-nah-nah) Are made for your head (dah-nah-nah-nah-nah) For when it is cold outside, to keep you warm instead! (dah-nah-nah-nah-nah) (??)


  1. Ugh, that kid DOES have some seriously big teeth, doesn't she? Every time I see her, I'm like "DAM!"

  2. TIM: You totally didn't click on the link, did you? Bastard.

  3. My speakers at work don' I didn't click.

  4. Ugh, that kid DOES have some seriously big teeth, doesn't she? Every time I see her, I'm like "DAM!"