Monday, April 27, 2009

You Gotta Help Me Out

Day after DAY I get the question: What is it, Kristine? What goes on inside that humongous (that O should totally be a U) brain of yours that makes you so amazing? And to be honest with you, I find that it's all in the art of keeping on top of my game. No, actually, it's not that at all. And while we're fessing up, no one ever asks me that question either.

But now that we're on the topic of questions, let me pose a few for you:

1. How the hell do my glasses get so dirty? Like, smudges and flecks of unidentified matter. And more importantly, how do I not notice they're getting dirty until I realize that I cannot recognize my own children?

2. WebMD doesn't have anything on this one, so I'll throw it out to you people. What do you think it means when it feels like my brain is trying to squeeze itself out of my left temple every time I towel-dry my hair? (Note: this does not happen when I blow dry my hair.)

3. Do you think people can citizen arrest you if you're stealing laundry detergent from Target? Even if you didn't know you were stealing it until you got to your car and realized it was on the bottom of the cart, and by then you were just like, "Screw you capitalism! You owe me AT LEAST one thing of baby detergent!"? (This is totally hypothetical. We only steal from Lowes and Tractor Supply).

4. And, as a follow up, how exactly does a citizen arrest go down? I mean, do you grab the person? Won't they just curse/laugh/fart at you and walk away? And at that point, really, it kind of kills the mood to give chase. That's not how it happens with Chuck Norris, is all I'm saying. And I'd kind of want to be giving off that Chuck Norris vibe (minus the beard, and also feminine and seductive instead of brute and awkward).

5. Lastly, how long can a young child go without bathing before people start to consider me his mother a bad parent? I suppose we should consider health risks as well (to the child, naturally. I'm sure the mother can fight off her haters with only minimal abrasions because she's probably awesome at Jiu-jistsu.)

EXTRA! BONUS!

I like to plagiarize find inspiration from fellow bloggers, so when davezilla offered some pointers, I was all, sure, I guess I could try his advice. I mean, he probably doesn't have the FOLLOWERS that I do, but maybe if I link to him, it'll give him a boost in traffic. And I'm all about benevolence.

Anyway, I won't summarize his post because I'm lazy (and I gave you the freaking link; what do you people want from me!?), so you just get to see the end result:



KACHOW!

AND they're approved by the AAU! (?) Jokes on you if you don't buy yourself a pair, suckas. They reduce waist, tummy, hips AND thighs! They look remarkably comfortable, too. That is, if you don't have any breasts. Or maybe you're just meant to stand. Whatever, I'm sold.

10 comments:

  1. The trick with the dirty kid is to always change their clothes. Than everyone just assumes they got dirty during the day and they'll have a nice bath at night and Voila! Problem solved.

    I want the sauna pants.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, I am SO getting myself a pair of those! They are not just functional (reducing my waist, tummy, hips AND thighs!), but quite the fashion statement.

    Hmm, looks like they may not be too cat-claw-proof, though...so you may be outta luck.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I wonder this to. Like, I'll turn to my daughter and be like, "Um, hello, when did your head turn into a giant ball of white fuzz with eyelashes?"

    All citizen arrests should be done with a roundhouse kick to the jaw. Don't forget, the only thing Chuck Norris ever lost was his virginity.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Those sauna pants are probably very slimming, in the same way that clunky shoes are slimming because they make the rest of your body look so small in comparison. Like people will go, WOW, she's got REALLY dainty calves!!

    Also, I get that temple ache when I blow dry, not towel dry my hair. Our temples are opposites. They should star in a remake of The Odd Couple.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kurt: Maybe we can arrange some kind of deal...awesomeness training in exchange for sauna pants.

    OEM: FUCK! I didn't even THINK of the cats. Just another reason to loathe them...I'm pretty much going to have a fat waist, tummy, hips AND thighs FOREVER because of them.

    TIM: I'm glad I'm not the only one. Roundhouse kicks, eh? Maybe I'll train my son to take care of that part for me. He's pretty ruthless when he's got his sneakers on.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Steamy: Dude, I own clunky shoes. I wear them with like everything, even evening wear (I frequent BALLS quite often! HA!) I think it's leftover trauma from my childhood of chub.

    ReplyDelete
  7. How the hell do my glasses get so dirty?

    This drives me mad every hour. Literally. I am constantly wiping them, I have a little spray and everything. It really does push me right to the limit.

    Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go wipe my glasses. AGAIN!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. 1. The dust is cat dander and flesh and the smudges are fecal mater.
    2. Your brain is trying to get out your right temple but your brain is left headed so you feel it in your right temple.
    69. he he
    3. Yes, but only if its Colonel Mustard, in the basement, with a gag-ball. What was the question?
    4. Kurt had the best answer. (simulated cowboy hat tip to you.)
    I cant afford those fancy pants so I'm going to wrap cellophane around my waist and piss myself. I'll check back in let you know if it works.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Mo: I'm glad I'm not the only one.

    Frankenfinger: :(
    Wait! I just reread the gag-ball part. That makes up for the shit on my glasses and the piss in your Saran Wrap. Mostly.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yo look at the fucking Kyle-MacLachlan-in-Twin-Peaks looking wannabe weirdo wearing an off white undershirt and suana pants.

    ReplyDelete