And at first I was all, OH! I'm laughing with recognition! HAHAHA! It IS annoying when your stupid pets just kind of hang out and act all SLOW and shit. Or, YES! Quitting smoking does make me want to throw things through walls! Wait...but he just sighed loudly...
Yeah, so it took me a minute, but I realized that these two people were having an OFF day. As in, they're not normally filled with a quiet rage.
Yeah, me neither.
Okay, maybe I am a little bit, but I feel like it's mostly justified. Observe (or, um, read):
1. I have to drive in a region of this country where people think it's OKAY to drive through the EZPass lane going 3 mph when they sign CLEARLY SAYS 20MPH.
2. I have a set of cats that make it their mission to destroy me. Put the devoured phone chargers aside for a moment and let me tell you about last night. I came home from class to moderate chaos. Dishes needed to be done, there was a stray child running about, and I was starving. As I said goodbye to the babysitter, the one cat--Pink--"spooked" himself while EATING HIS FOOD. What? Yes. He jumped about a foot off the ground and managed to upend both his water dish and food bowl. ALL OVER THE FLOOR. I mean, in an instance like this, I feel like animal cruelty is completely acceptable and encouraged (see images below).
3. Where I go grocery shopping, there's this odd "volunteer" man who apparently collects the shopping carts. He also has a little set up near the entrance, complete with a chair an a frigging BOOMBOX. From this boombox, the guy BLARES the oldies station. Like, so loudly that if music had a physical power, it'd have punched me in the face TWICE and then totally shoved me in a puddle before walking away laughing at my splashing, writhing body as I hummed along to BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY (they don't cry-aye-aye!).
4. My dishwasher is SO FUCKING LOUD. And I can't stand noise. Of any kind. I've trained my kids and husband to communicate through sign language or email. SO if the dishwasher's loud, that means that the TV needs to get cranked up because you know those two bastards have to duel it out. And, I'm like, could you assholes please stop fighting in the living room?! You're setting a bad example for the CHILDREN!
5. My front door is kind of broken. We live in a BRAND NEW HOUSE. So instead of pushing the lever, I have to like, rotate it. And every time I rotate that piece of crap, I skin my effing knuckles. Trust me, they're so raw right now, I can't even BELIEVE that there aren't bones sticking out and trying to make a break for it.
6. I just ordered a pair of shorts online and they're too big. I guess that means I've lost some fucking baby weight. And it's about goddamn time. So maybe that one doesn't fill me with much rage.
7. Don't even get me STARTED on this fucking swine flu bullshit. Like, does the President REALLY need to get on TV to remind me to WASH MY HANDS?! FUUHHCK!
So, you don't know it because this is the Internet, but I totally took a break right there. I got some pictures of my cats and drew mean things on their faces in Paint. I feel a lot better. Here you go:
Meet Fluffy Cat*
*Her name has been changed a bit since we've had kids. It used to include profanity. Really, we are good parents. I swear.