Wednesday, April 1, 2009

My American Idol Post

I know, I'm totally late with this. But I need to do it; AI used to be my ultimate obsession. Now, it's an obsession tempered by the plague, children that are all "feed me!" and a husband that's like "We're not watching that crap."

There's a lot to be said about the toolsheds that we're apparently going to trust with this MAJOR AWARD. Because, have you seen these people? Seriously.

Adam Lambert:


I won't even go with the obvious "is he? isn't he?" Because, more importantly, what the HELL is up with this guy's skin? I mean, are those freckles concealed by sixteen layers of foundation? Was he a burn victim? Get on the wrong side of the Toxic Avenger? Kid needs some antibiotics because that mess is spreading to his lips.

Allison Iraheta:

I'm kinda shocked this girl can sing because she kind of has the ol' Bugs Bunny thing going on. Like, with her teeth, not her ears (duh). I'm talking about the overbite, people. Are you with me yet? Sure, maybe it's a stretch, but I'm trying not to go off on that Manic Panic hair that was only cool, like, when I did it decades ago.

Anoop Desai:


Last week, texting my friend while watching (because my husband pretends we're not married when I watch):
Me: Damn! He can SANG!
Friend: Right? That was BANGIN'!
[Cameras pan to his parents, in traditional Indian garb. Not smiling, nor particiularly looking thrilled to be there.]
Friend: What's up with the parents?
Me: They probably don't speak English.

Yeah, I got nothing on this Mac Daddy, so I thought I'd highlight my tendencies to be a discriminatory wench instead.

Danny Goky:

Ok, I have to tread lightly here because this guy is Dead Wife Guy. But he does have a last name that sounds like a character from my son's cartoon cache. Plus he TOTALLY dresses like he's about to try out for a role as the D-Bag who stands at the bar ogling the bartender in some Justin Timberlake video.

Kris Allen:


This guy creeps the hell out of me. He makes weird faces. Faces that suggest he is either A. concealing a medeival weapon or B. Actually John Mayer in drag or C. Hiding something in his pants. Something that moves.

Lil Rounds:



Lil? Lil. Is there a consensus about whether this is like a stage name or what? Get her off the damn stage before she busts out a cane and top hat.

Matt Giraud:




Something about this fella reminds me of this boy I went to school with. He once had a cold (not quite the plague) while we were taking a Latin test (oh yeah, I took Latin, punks). He kept sniffling. Like with such regularity that it seemed it was his job to make me jump out the window. I finally offered him a tissue loudly. He declined. I wanted to throw him out the window. But I didn't. I just took my test instead. Maybe I got a B or something.

But yeah, Matt reminds me of him. Sniffly-nosed boy who probably needs a shave.

Megan Joy:


Oh, Megan. Something about me wants to love this girl. Probably her entrancing good looks and that raspy voice. BAM! Whoa! Look out! Just like that, she stole your wallet. Because all that pretty hair and pretty eyeballs and pretty clothes are the first clues to her menacing ways. We don't need some gypsy woman with the coveted title of American Idol.

Scott McIntyre:



Oh, Scotty Scott Scott. Listen, everyone else might be tip-toing around this boy because he's all BLIND and everything, but what is WRONG with him? Ugh. And do they really need to have him in all those frigging choreographed dance routines? I mean, come ON that shit is absurd! HE CAN'T SEE! He's got that same facial expression the enitre time, too. The one somewhere between "I'M TERRIFIED!" and "I know what Kris Allen is hiding in his pants!"

I know, I know. I should shut myself up now before someone points out that I'm a mother (oops). But come on. Send that boy home already. With the help of an escort, of course.

7 comments:

  1. wow! that mess was hilarious! even though we've furiously texted a lot of that stuff back and forth already, i have a few unanswered questions.

    1. WHO, who from latin class?? did his name start with a t and he was on swim team?

    2. ILK, megan needs to kill herself already because her creepy voice makes me want to kill myself when i hear it and i'm pretty sure i value my life way more than hers, so she needs to exit, pronto.

    3. poor blind kid :( every time i see him i just can't help but think 'there's someone who really needs a hug right now, just not from me.'

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  2. Such a cynic...I hate watching idol too. Those ford commericial and the over produced group numbers where no one sings harmony drive me nuts. As a former musician they really drive me crazy. Its one thing to have a scratch track but the entire group singing the melody should make it a piece of cake.

    Making the blind kid dance and watching Ryan push him around on stage kills me...I sit there and yell; "watch out, oops excuse me, is it my turn yet, why is dark in here, and Ryan I want to feel your face" whenever he hits the screen.

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  3. PS- Hopefully Megan poses for playboy.

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  4. I'm with the husband on this one. I'm not watching that crap.

    Er, anymore.

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  5. Lana: CF. I bet you can get it from that.
    John: She better pose for Playboy before they go under. HAHAHAHAHA.
    Rob: Is that a piece of broccoli on your head?

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  6. That first guy, Adam, needs to just die.

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  7. wow! that mess was hilarious! even though we've furiously texted a lot of that stuff back and forth already, i have a few unanswered questions.

    1. WHO, who from latin class?? did his name start with a t and he was on swim team?

    2. ILK, megan needs to kill herself already because her creepy voice makes me want to kill myself when i hear it and i'm pretty sure i value my life way more than hers, so she needs to exit, pronto.

    3. poor blind kid :( every time i see him i just can't help but think 'there's someone who really needs a hug right now, just not from me.'

    ReplyDelete