Friday, April 24, 2009

Jerk Box©*

(You get two posts today because they both kind of suck, and in one of the miracles of mathematics, two shit posts ARE actually better than one. For all you math teachers out there, you can totally use this for class. It's best represented as such: 1SP + 1SP = > 1SP)

So this Twitter thing is kind of backfiring on me. I've been following all these celebrities (even though my profile says I'm only following The Monster Apathy, which is kind of embarrassing because I'm pretty sure the dude already thinks I'm a stalker, but it's not true! The part where I say he's the only one I'm following, anyway.)

But, yeah, the approach has become distracting because:

A) Heidi Montag keeps Twittershitting© (that one's mine) about Jesus which means I spend much of my day with old church songs stuck in my head. And when I hear them, it's not sweet Jesus music; it's the sound of elderly, off-pitch voices filling the unairconditioned church of my childhood Sundays. (And by "the elderly," I mean my grandmother.)

B) Apparently Andy Dick is sober now and he just keeps talking about how he has kids and yet he's not drunk. And come ON, dude, that was totally my shtick.

C) CNN keeps proving to me that American society is doomed, and we, the readers are more than happy to read about it. As if their headlines weren't preposterous enough, with Twitter, they've now been shrunken to like 100 characters or whatever and say things like "Boy Shot Head OFF Alive." So naturally, I click on it because I'm all, "I am SO calling your bluff CNN!" But there is no bluff to be called. Shit.

D) At least SOMEONE is reading my blog, because I got a "follow" from "HungryZombies" or some crap right after my fontanel post. And then he was all "brainsbrainsbrains!" and shit. True story.

E) This post has nothing to do with the phrase "jerk box" but I wanted to throw it out there with the copyright and all because it's a really good phrase. And no, you can't use it because I stole it from my best friend, who in turn stole it from a 92-year-old grandmother. What? She had it coming. (The grandmother, that is. I'm just a really bad friend.)

__________

*Crap. Apparently a jerk box is, like, a real thing and has something to do with physical fitness. What...the...?! Anyway, here are the blueprints if you want to build one.

17 comments:

  1. You make me laugh. Not in the rude sense like "Ha ha, you make me laugh you tiny little worm of a man who I just busted wearing my matching lace bra and panties" but the OTHER kind of making me laugh. The kind that means you are truly and genuinely hilariously funny.

    Okay, I'm going back to wait in the van now.

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  2. let's ignore the fitness version of jerk box, because really? and i was over twitter five minutes after i started, or maybe that was because i can talk to myself all day without having to type it for no one to read...

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  3. I am one of those rare people who think stalkering is sweet. Those people are called "victims" by the way.

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  4. Anyone that can come up with shit-post math is okay in my book.

    And now I shall follow you on twitter, and you shall make me laugh daily.

    Okay-go!

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  5. Pfft. That 92-year-old would have forgotten it in a couple of seconds anyway.

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  6. Foiled again!--I should have copyrighted that thing when I had the chance. Nice play, Kristine. Nice play.

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  7. And that old lady had it coming. RIP.

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  8. And that is some fancy Calculus/algebraic/mathematical logic you figured out here. You're like the freakin' female Good Will Hunting.

    Okay, I'm done now.

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  9. Wendy: I would like it if you could move next door and say these things to me daily, thanks. Our kids can have play dates and you can flatter me endlessly. (I'll even let you get out of the van once in a while.)

    Lana: Twitter probably isn't even cool anymore. I have shit timing.

    Kurt: Stockholm Syndrome, is it? Pssht, these quack doctors give a name to anything these days.

    Not Benny: Dude, I crack under pressure. But also, I don't think I know what I'm doing on Twitter. Maybe this will be a unintentionally productive combination.

    TIM: She's dead. Great. Feel good now, TIM?!

    Gina: How to you like DEM APPLES! (Answer: well enough, as long as there's floss readily available.)

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  10. Really, who needs "jerk box" when you just created the genius that is "Twittershitting"? Kudos on that one! I'm totally stealing it when your copyright is up.

    I also try to follow the celebs Twittering each other, but just end up confused, trying to figure out who said what to whom...to no avail.

    I am a Luddite (sigh).

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  11. ExcuseMe: I just had to google "Luddite" (bigger sigh)

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  12. I wanna know what's beyond twitter, like what comes next? How much more up your ass can I get? Microchips, maybe?

    'Hey guys, look! I just got a Jerkbox chip implanted in my spinal cord. Now you can follow every thought I have before I even think it! I can't even lie to you anymore cuz you'll know immediately that I'm lying!'

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaand then the world explodes.

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  13. Brian, don't be such a hater. You're going to alienate the millions of readers you're accumulating.

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  14. Wendy: I would like it if you could move next door and say these things to me daily, thanks. Our kids can have play dates and you can flatter me endlessly. (I'll even let you get out of the van once in a while.)

    Lana: Twitter probably isn't even cool anymore. I have shit timing.

    Kurt: Stockholm Syndrome, is it? Pssht, these quack doctors give a name to anything these days.

    Not Benny: Dude, I crack under pressure. But also, I don't think I know what I'm doing on Twitter. Maybe this will be a unintentionally productive combination.

    TIM: She's dead. Great. Feel good now, TIM?!

    Gina: How to you like DEM APPLES! (Answer: well enough, as long as there's floss readily available.)

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  15. Pfft. That 92-year-old would have forgotten it in a couple of seconds anyway.

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