Monday, April 20, 2009

I'm a Twit

In case you didn't notice (you self-absorbed bastards), I added Twitter to my blog. Why? Not sure.* I don't do much that is worth Twittering. (Seriously though, I want to punch a kitten every time I type that. Did these Twitter folks not consider the various verb forms this word could take on?)

BUT, Twitter is helping me with the whole stalking thing. Which, I didn't even realize that I was looking to start up again until now. College was one thing, but now that I'm old and mature, I didn't think stalking was legal for me. But it turns out, as long as you're doing it under a veil of being a FOLLOWER, it's totally cool and, in fact, highly encouraged! Of course, I'm green and making tons of "amateur stalker moves"© that may or may not be "legal," but whatever.

So, in an attempt to NOT look like a pathetic Twitter newbie (a valiant effort, I might add), I've been looking for people to add to my know, FOLLOW (man, this whole "followers" thing really annoys the shit out of me...but that's a whole 'notha ball of wax---wait...really?! ball of WAX? God, this post is officially starting to disgust me).

I'm not sure how I found him, but I stumbled upon johncmayer. Oh, that's right. John Mayer of break-up-with-Jennifer-Anniston fame. Oh, and the music bit, too.

So now I'm kind of obsessed because this guy is frigging RIDICULOUS. And guess what? So are lots of other celebrities, as it turns out! At this point, I think I've acquired a nice sampling of updates from freakshows such as Soleil Moon Frye, Andy Dick, Miley Cyrus and Snoop Dog. (Or at least from their handlers; no WAY does Snoop know how to use tiny URL. Just sayin'.)

Maybe I'll just use Twitter to feed my secret longing for being a famous celebrity blogger. A straight female one, since there seems to be a shortage there. But whatever, I'll be a gay man if I have to. At this point, I'm just going to start adding celebrities and have them face-off in a test of who's-the-most-ridiculous-and-evidence-of-the-caustic-nature-of-Hollywood-and-by-extension-California contest. Without them knowing it, of course. First I think I'll need to add Demi Moore because I heard she "saved" a suicidal person recently. And by "saved" I mean, called the cops and then made biting comments about her afterward. She's probably in the lead already. OH WAIT, I mean, her husband is.

Then maybe my whole bonanza of freakshows (headlines! interviews! news clips! fireworks! fame! fortune!) will replace that Ashton Kutcher vs CNN crap. Because, really?! I didn't foresee CNfreakingN being a part of this celebrity faceoff. Those fame-hungry turds.


*Okay, fine. It's because I just want to be like everybody else. I can't help it. In fact, I've got lots to say on this topic, so stay tuned for tomorrow's post. (I know. That was an AMAZING teaser, wasn't it? I've got so much to learn. Please stop making me cry. I've got CHILDREN and I don't want them to see me this way!)


  1. You know you added Twitter because of me. Say it. Saaaayyy it....

  2. I'm thinking about adding it, but then updating wholly inappropriate "tweets" like "Jesus, I always forget how bad it is to fart in the shower" and "on the toilet--when did I eat corn?"

    I'm thinking I'll be popular.

  3. I don't Tweet, but if it were called Queefer in stead of Twitter, I would totally sign up. Then I could ask acquaintances whether or not they Queef, which would in turn give my life purpose.