Friday, April 17, 2009

I Wanna Hub (, You)

Ok, so I know you've seen this commercial by now. (And don't give me that intelligent-sounding or important-sounding "I don't really watch much TV" because, stop lying. You do.) This thing is AWESOME and I want one. I think it's mostly because I've always wanted to live like the Jetsons and this will be my first step toward serving dinner in tablet form.



Right?! You love it?!

But that kid. Come on, advertisement people. If you want to sell this Jetson phone, you better get rid of that red-haired chump. If I'm making some goddamn PAELLA, you bet my red-headed doofy kid is going to eat the hell out of it and LOVE IT. Ok, maybe he won't eat it or love it, but I sure as HELL will not order him a pizza just because he knows how to video text in jerk.

My version of the advertisement would probably go something like this:

Scene: Kitchen, 5pm. The mother is wearing her PJ's. She goes to the hub to play her Scrabble move, check Perez Hilton, and check her 20 new blog comments from all of the coolest bloggers ever (Shut the hell up. It's my commercial.)

She texts her husband: I LOVE THE HUB! I MEAN YOU! XOXO

(He does not respond because she has fat fingers and she has actually said I LOST THE CHUB FOR YOU! XXX At this point, he's not sure if she's having one of her episodes or is trying to be seductive. He's erring on the side of caution because that shit is not worth it.)

She texts her son: DINNER IN 20, KID.

He responds: What are we having?

She replies: FOOD. BE HAPPY IT'S NOT JETSON PELLETS.

He responds: You're the best Mom ever!

Okay, maybe this is just evidence of why I'm not in advertising. Or writing for that matter. But the moral of this story is the same. The hub is a pointless, over-marketed, (probably) ridiculously priced piece of crap that will likely short-circuit as soon as I splash my damn Paella sauce on the screen. Naturally, I'll be adding this to my Christmas list. Though, if you missed my birthday, I'll be happy to take this as retroactive payment for my birth. Thanks.

20 comments:

  1. since my standard MO is to hate on any/all new technology until i am the absolute last person on earth to have it, and then decide that i need it, i'll be wanting one of those in about 3 years. right now it sucks, stupid jetson thing.

    but i would love it if the next time you have 30 minutes of your life to throw away and insurmountable patience, you could explain twitter to me :)

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  2. I'm pretty sure you're going to have to start giving me cuts of your Google ads for this shit.

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  3. Crap, this happens every time I hear or read the word "paella". Now I have a vision of Steve from Blues Clues dancing around a table, proclaiming "Periwinkle made paella!" *sigh* I stay home one day with a sick kid, and now otherwise delicious Mediterranean dishes are completely ruined. Damn you, Steve!!!

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  4. I agree on all counts, I think the Hub is pure genius on Verizon's part — reinventing the home phone for those of us who obviously don't have home phones anymore, because, come on, what for?

    But yeah I KNOW, that KID! I wanted to smack him! Your mom's making you a labor-intensive, tasty Mediterranean entree and that's all you've got to say for yourself? Not only are you gonna eat your damned paella, punk, you're going to learn how to say it right! You're taking Spanish II for f*ck's sake! (Ok, that's conjecture.) It seriously alarms me the way so many commercials let idiotic/spoiled kids, husbands, etc. off the hook. "It's OK that you're another overfed, ignorant asshole taking up valuable space and resources. You can just buy our product, and it will quickly and easily validate your otherwise unremarkable existence."

    Uh, so, I guess today I have officially taken the plunge into "crotchety old man" territory. So be it.

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  5. I hate that kid and when I see this commercial I scream at him . . . err . . the TV: "You'll eat your mom's pa-ella and like it jerk box!"

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  6. "I LOST THE CHUB FOR YOU" will probably have me giggling like teenage girl for the rest of the day, so thanks for that.

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  7. I went two years without TV on my "I'm too smart for mass media kick". Now? I just want one of those hubs - and a red-headed step-child so I can tell them all what I am making for dinner. It's like Rosie the Robot and a housewife all in one!

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  8. Your HUB commercial sounds way better than the real one. I want one so bad!!!

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  9. Yeah, I'm definitely voting for your commercial. Someone should slap that kid and also send the mom to group therapy for being an ENABLER.

    And, yeah, I want one too, damn it.

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  10. I like your version better. And I want that phone. And some paella.

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  11. I would tell my kid it is Paella or he could fight the cats for their kibble.

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  12. Very nice. Better yet...

    He responds: What are we having?

    She responds: You were a mistake. He didn't pull out. You'll eat what you're given because I've been eating it for the last 16 years.

    ...Hell no you don't order him the pizza! Gahh!

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  13. I've said it before...fucking cell phone advertisement execs, what country are they from? Cuz it's not America. Do they think families are really like that??

    If I had a kid who was as big of a snot as that bitch, I would freaking lash that ass if he spoke to me in that tone.

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  14. TIM: Extend your day home with the kid, and the psychological damage it caused by two years and you've got my current emotional state. It's either bliss or complete lunacy.

    Jon: Dude, you said it much more convincingly than I did. And that punk IS probably taking Spanish II and just skipping class all the damn time. Busted.

    Gina: I love "jerk box" also. I'm going to continue to steal all your phrases, but but © next to them so it looks like they're all my inventions.

    Imnotbenny: I love making people giggle like schoolgirls, especially boys. So thank YOU!

    Lisa: You'll probably get one before me, so that night, please invite me for dinner. I'll bring the aprons and the food pellets.

    Wendy: Good point. Ol' Momma Dukes is like the pusher on the street for poor behavior. Wonder what the Obama administration has to say about THAT. (And I'll invite you over to Lisa's with me so we can all pretend to be the Jetson family. We'll argue over who gets to be Rosie later)

    Greg: I think maybe you've got some pent up issues about your childhood. Please feel free to talk to me about them here, for a fee.

    Brian: Lashing is for Singapore. Consider: "I would freaking correct that ass." See? Now we haven't alerted the authorities.

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  15. What about 'tash?'...which is a combination of taser & lash.

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  16. I went two years without TV on my "I'm too smart for mass media kick". Now? I just want one of those hubs - and a red-headed step-child so I can tell them all what I am making for dinner. It's like Rosie the Robot and a housewife all in one!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I hate that kid and when I see this commercial I scream at him . . . err . . the TV: "You'll eat your mom's pa-ella and like it jerk box!"

    ReplyDelete
  18. Crap, this happens every time I hear or read the word "paella". Now I have a vision of Steve from Blues Clues dancing around a table, proclaiming "Periwinkle made paella!" *sigh* I stay home one day with a sick kid, and now otherwise delicious Mediterranean dishes are completely ruined. Damn you, Steve!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. since my standard MO is to hate on any/all new technology until i am the absolute last person on earth to have it, and then decide that i need it, i'll be wanting one of those in about 3 years. right now it sucks, stupid jetson thing.

    but i would love it if the next time you have 30 minutes of your life to throw away and insurmountable patience, you could explain twitter to me :)

    ReplyDelete