(I'm totally on thin ice with this post, I know. But I'm bold. That's just how I roll. Boldly.)
When I first started this blog a couple of months ago, I told you all about how I used to have a few blogs about 2ish years ago. Naturally, they were super popular and amazing and I was on the verge of about 3 book deals, one of which was totally going to go straight to the big screen.
But then things (read: children) happened and I felt I needed to separate myself from some of my subject material (don't read: porn). But now I'm back and ready to reclaim my fame! and fortune!
So when I signed back up for this blogger bizznass, I was surprised by some of the new things I encountered. Let's do a list. Because
1. Tweaking with the HTML is totally not as easy as it was before. Like, apparently you kind of need to know what you're doing now. Shit. I never know what I'm doing.
2. There's no "previous posts" widget thing and that was my favorite! (Don't judge, it just was.) This kind of brings me back to #1. I have no clue how to add that crap. What do I look like, blogger? Freaking Superwoman? (Thanks, I get that a lot.)
3. And last--definitely the biggest change (I was building you up to the climax, creating tension...see how I did that?): the fucking followers option.
I mean, here's the thing. I get it. It's helpful. It puts all your favorite blogs in one place so you can keep tabs one what everyone's writing, especially since RSS feeds are for geeks and blogrolling them is just SO much more difficult. And then those people who are KIND enough (ahem) to follow your blog get some public recognition with that little picture. LOOK! LOOK AT THIS BLOGGER! SHE KNOWS HOW TO READ AND THINKS I'M FUNNY! AND IF SHE THINKS I'M FUNNY, SHE'S COOL SO GO READ HER, TOO!
Okay, sorry. That was way too many CAPS.
But are you following my point? The followers thing is LAME. When you're following like, 200 blogs or some crap, like, dude...your gig is up. Even when you HAVE that many followers. I mean, is that possible? I can hardly hang on to the THREE friends I have. Fuck.
In these extreme cases, it feels like such a sham(wow!) to me. Like, Member 257? Are you really into me, or what? Or maybe you're just attracted to my OCD, but your impulse is to click buttons online that say "Follow" which is why you're now a member of Sunshiney Lifestyle Community Relgion and won't be heard from again after you go on that retreat.
I totally want followers. And I want them by the buttload.
Arrgh. Do you see what these Blogger people are doing?! Those subversive bastards are like advertising execs. Or that asshole Tom Sawyer.
Me: No way do I want to paint that fence, Tom! Just stop asking already, you hippie! Painting fences is LAME! I will never EVER do it, EVER!
Tom/Blogger Bastards: But it's FUN and you will look super COOL and everyone will LOVE YOU without you having to mention that you went to school with DAVE ANNABLE!
Me: Okay, I'll do it.
(So, why aren't you following me yet?)
I mean, I'm bigger than this! I don't need YOU!
NO! WAIT! I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I say silly, stupid things when I'm angry. Please give me a hug, I mean, a comment.
I love you.
*People know that Tom Sawyer was fake, right? I mean, posing by a fence just because there's a sign?! I bet those Blogger bastards put that shit up, too. Fucking irony! HAHA! ahhh. ha.