Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Follow Me, I'm the Pied Piper


(I'm totally on thin ice with this post, I know. But I'm bold. That's just how I roll. Boldly.)

When I first started this blog a couple of months ago, I told you all about how I used to have a few blogs about 2ish years ago. Naturally, they were super popular and amazing and I was on the verge of about 3 book deals, one of which was totally going to go straight to the big screen.

But then things (read: children) happened and I felt I needed to separate myself from some of my subject material (don't read: porn). But now I'm back and ready to reclaim my fame! and fortune!

So when I signed back up for this blogger bizznass, I was surprised by some of the new things I encountered. Let's do a list. Because I'm neurotic they're fun:

1. Tweaking with the HTML is totally not as easy as it was before. Like, apparently you kind of need to know what you're doing now. Shit. I never know what I'm doing.

2. There's no "previous posts" widget thing and that was my favorite! (Don't judge, it just was.) This kind of brings me back to #1. I have no clue how to add that crap. What do I look like, blogger? Freaking Superwoman? (Thanks, I get that a lot.)

3. And last--definitely the biggest change (I was building you up to the climax, creating tension...see how I did that?): the fucking followers option.

Sigh.

I mean, here's the thing. I get it. It's helpful. It puts all your favorite blogs in one place so you can keep tabs one what everyone's writing, especially since RSS feeds are for geeks and blogrolling them is just SO much more difficult. And then those people who are KIND enough (ahem) to follow your blog get some public recognition with that little picture. LOOK! LOOK AT THIS BLOGGER! SHE KNOWS HOW TO READ AND THINKS I'M FUNNY! AND IF SHE THINKS I'M FUNNY, SHE'S COOL SO GO READ HER, TOO!

Okay, sorry. That was way too many CAPS.

But are you following my point? The followers thing is LAME. When you're following like, 200 blogs or some crap, like, dude...your gig is up. Even when you HAVE that many followers. I mean, is that possible? I can hardly hang on to the THREE friends I have. Fuck.

In these extreme cases, it feels like such a sham(wow!) to me. Like, Member 257? Are you really into me, or what? Or maybe you're just attracted to my OCD, but your impulse is to click buttons online that say "Follow" which is why you're now a member of Sunshiney Lifestyle Community Relgion and won't be heard from again after you go on that retreat.

YET...yetyetyet.

I totally want followers. And I want them by the buttload.

Arrgh. Do you see what these Blogger people are doing?! Those subversive bastards are like advertising execs. Or that asshole Tom Sawyer.

Me: No way do I want to paint that fence, Tom! Just stop asking already, you hippie! Painting fences is LAME! I will never EVER do it, EVER!

Tom/Blogger Bastards: But it's FUN and you will look super COOL and everyone will LOVE YOU without you having to mention that you went to school with DAVE ANNABLE!

Me: Okay, I'll do it.

(So, why aren't you following me yet?)

I mean, I'm bigger than this! I don't need YOU!

NO! WAIT! I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I say silly, stupid things when I'm angry. Please give me a hug, I mean, a comment.
I love you.

__________

*People know that Tom Sawyer was fake, right? I mean, posing by a fence just because there's a sign?! I bet those Blogger bastards put that shit up, too. Fucking irony! HAHA! ahhh. ha.

16 comments:

  1. i want the first book you write. and you have to sign the inside cover too. something cheesy like "aim high" or "don't ever stop chasing your dreams". then it would be perfect.

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  2. I want so many followers that I actually have to pay a staff of people to answer all the comments.

    Moisture is the essence wetness, and wetness is the essence of followers...seriously, would Stephen King write a 9,000 page book if only 3 people read it? No. Everyone wants followers man.

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  3. Jerrod: You got it. Just give me a few decades.

    Brian: Thank god I'm not Stephen King, first. And second, writers wants readers. This followers shit is like fucking MySpace. There's something about it that is so contrived and it bugs the shit out of me (naturally). But mainly because I only have 11.

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  4. Hi, I didn't really read your post I was just wondering where the follower button is?
    Aaaahahahah!

    I don't know a thing about blogging. My wife directs me on etiquette and protocol.

    The Landlady: You should read your followers blogs.
    Me: I should? Why?
    The LL: Because they are following your writing so its only proper you take a look at theirs.
    Me: Oh... But I don't give a shit.
    The LL: Oh, Excuse Me!
    Me: Sorry...

    Also, the commenting on every single comment looks absolutely exhausting.

    PS: I like your blog!

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  5. Frankenfinger: You bastard (just kidding...it's up top, above the lovely header. CLICKITCLICKITCLICKIT.)

    Also, listen to the wife; she's brilliant, I can see.

    Lastly, it IS exhausting, but I'm superwoman, so it's not really all that exhausting.
    (And, thanks!)

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  6. Yeah, listen to Kristine, Brian (well, at least the part about your wife being brilliant).
    Kristine...glad to have found you. LOVE the name of your blog. Hilarious. Enjoying your writing, too, of course :-).

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  7. I am hoping for some naked pictures of you to make it to the net...I'll follow anyone for that.

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  8. I feel the need to tell my origin story here, for some reason:

    1) I stumbled across you in the comments to someone else's blog. I was like, "Whoa, she looks like my friend Kristine. I wonder if that's the one."

    2) According to your profile info, you couldn't have been Kristine, but I decided to read your stuff anyway because I thought the title was good and clever.

    3) I saw pictures of stuff on your kid, including the safety glasses. I thought "she has potential".

    4) I dug through your archives (that sounds so filthy) and read "I'll eat it for $10" and decided that yes, I was that into you.

    5) You told me to hug you, but changed your mind and just wanted a comment. So there. Aren't you happy now?

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  9. I don't know about Brian, but I'll write a 9,000 page novel if only three people will read it...so long as I get a Stephen-King-Like paycheck.

    I'm a whore. I'll freely admit it.

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  10. ExcuseMe: Dude, me and you are going places.

    John: I know there's a lot of porn out there. You couldn't have exhausted it already. Try paying for some. I hear it's better.

    TIM: Part One--Yes, I am happy. Doubly happy since you left two. Part Two--Spoken like a true I-have-65-followers blogger.(!) It's kind of like Oprah suggesting she'd be just as happy dead broke. This chick does not buy your happy talk. (Though I'd be just as cynical if you had three followers and told me you were super happy. It's just how I roll. Cynically.)

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  11. See, it's the cynacism that keeps me coming back for more.

    And, I'm really happy because about 2/3 of my 65 followers are pretty effing hot.

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  12. One follower. Count her. ONE. (Daammnit..) Some would say I'm just lucky I guess. It's very monogamous.

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  13. dude, baaaaaaaaddddd memories of high school :( you were there, right? ah well, you were always better at making friends that me anyway. i'm sure you'll blow up in a matter of minutes and take over the internet and make that cackle sound in a loud booming voice "they LOOOVE MEEEEE..."

    don't forget about me when you're famous.

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  14. See, it's the cynacism that keeps me coming back for more.

    And, I'm really happy because about 2/3 of my 65 followers are pretty effing hot.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I don't know about Brian, but I'll write a 9,000 page novel if only three people will read it...so long as I get a Stephen-King-Like paycheck.

    I'm a whore. I'll freely admit it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am hoping for some naked pictures of you to make it to the net...I'll follow anyone for that.

    ReplyDelete