And I know, you're totally sitting there thinking, Well...you know this is probably why you don't have a BOOK DEAL. Because you CAN'T WRITE and lots of other crap that probably includes things like UNFUNNY and NOT ALL THAT ATTRACTIVE, but shut up because I never really liked you anyway*.
But here's the thing. NOW I'm totally going to tell you that hilariously painful story about how I'm incredibly socially awkward, especially in moments when I really should hold my shit together--the story I only mentioned yesterday, at the very beginning of the long post that
You can even make it a game. See if you can find the places where my Professor:
- Contemplates calling CPS.
- Considers reporting my ass for reverse-plagiarism, something I pretty much invented, so he's probably trying to even think of a name for it before he reports me because I'm always one step ahead.
- Contemplates calling CPS a second time.
Monday night, I stayed a bit late after class to meet with my professor. I wanted to go over part of this monumentally groundbreaking independent research I'm conducting on the writing process (right, because I'm a MASTER). So, about 15 minutes into it, I'm realizing that I'm probably going to be late getting home because this guy is
A few minutes later, I get a call from my amazing, loves-my-chili husband. In the background I can hear Plus One making a happy commotion. Already, my awkwardness is infecting my speech. I am evidently uncomfortable mixing my scholastic and personal life. There is absolutely no reason for this other than my inability to be NORMAL in everyday situations.
Him: You on your way?
Me: [Suddenly, irrationally convinced my husband thinks I'm having an affair with my Professor.] Yeah, uh...sorry, I'm just uh...I'll be a bit longer...I wanted to meet with my professor...we're uh, you know, i have to write that paper...I just...I, uh...HEY! Is that Jonathan in the background?
Him: Yeah, he's telling me the water's too hot for his bath. Alright, see you when you get home.
Me: [Overzealously] I LOVE YOU!
Him: Love you, too.
Me: [To my professor] Ah, that was just my husband! He's giving my son a bath, and he's so funny...T9, I mean Plus One! Oye, I'm always confusing their names...so sleep deprived, but you know, not so much that I can't function, I mean, I do watch the kids all day, and they're fine and everything...but anyway my son is always saying that the water is too hot, and I think he's probably just saying that to because I normally give him the baths, but since I'm not home, my husband's doing it...and this one time, we tried to show him how the shower works...
Professor: [Concerned]...is the water too hot?
Me: [A bit too eagerly]Oh, no! [nervous laughter] It's just he has this thing with the word and sometimes with his food, and even when it's like, I mean, I always cool his food for him, like practically serve it cold...but not really COLD-cold because I mean, I do cook it...unless it's like a sandwich or something...
Professor: ...so, where were we?
This might be a good time to note that I was sweating profusely by now and had regressed to the whole stick-your-lower-lip-out-and-blow-upward-toward-the-nose in an effort to cool off. I also mentioned the heat several times and talked about how I wished I had a hair tie while lifting my hair up off my neck and then promptly letting it fall again. Unfortunately, none of these strategies have a very significant effect on the current temperature.
A few minutes later...
Professor: So, this part...you mention this author, but I'm not sure I understand this quote. What was this article about?
Me: Ohuh...right, gosh, I can't remember the name of it...oh, that's right, it was a book! Yeah, it was a book.
Professor: Okay, but what was it about?
Me: Oh man, what WAS that title? Implications...social theory...oh boy. I'm drawing a blank here [blowing with my lower lip] Boy! It's hot! Ha! Gosh, it was like 42 degrees like a week ago, remember?
Professor: We can just go back to that later. In this section here, you can get rid of that APA bullshit, I think.
Me: [Not even listening. Now trying to blow toward the corner of my mouth to see if that changes anything] Okay, sure.
Professor: Sorry, is it ok that I just cursed?
Me: What? Did you? I wasn't even paying attention...well, I mean, I was paying attention, of course, because I'm listening to you. But, you know, I didn't even notice. Gosh, I mean, I curse all the time. My husband's always yelling at me for it. Well, I mean, I don't curse...like, not in front of the kids or anything. I'M A PERFECT PARENT! [Nervous laughter.]
I dunno, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get an A.
*Totally kidding, probably. Leave a comment before you storm off in a huff. This way I know you're storming off in a huff. The Internet is tricky that way.