Wednesday, April 29, 2009

*Cringe*

Okay, so yesterday's post was nearly a disaster. I managed to make everyone think I am married to a buffoon (including the man himself), when I was really just trying to make fun of ME. Hello?! I mean, I know self-loathing is sooo 2004, but I have trouble shaking fads that are not meant to be held onto. (Kind of like shoulder pads and neon stretchy stirrup pants.)

And I know, you're totally sitting there thinking, Well...you know this is probably why you don't have a BOOK DEAL. Because you CAN'T WRITE and lots of other crap that probably includes things like UNFUNNY and NOT ALL THAT ATTRACTIVE, but shut up because I never really liked you anyway*.

But here's the thing. NOW I'm totally going to tell you that hilariously painful story about how I'm incredibly socially awkward, especially in moments when I really should hold my shit together--the story I only mentioned yesterday, at the very beginning of the long post that killed my marriage filled in for the time being. And then you'll realize wow, she really does deserve fame and fortune by means of literary celebrity wow, she really is awkward. No wonder she blogs.

You can even make it a game. See if you can find the places where my Professor:
  1. Contemplates calling CPS.
  2. Considers reporting my ass for reverse-plagiarism, something I pretty much invented, so he's probably trying to even think of a name for it before he reports me because I'm always one step ahead.
  3. Contemplates calling CPS a second time.

SO.

Monday night, I stayed a bit late after class to meet with my professor. I wanted to go over part of this monumentally groundbreaking independent research I'm conducting on the writing process (right, because I'm a MASTER). So, about 15 minutes into it, I'm realizing that I'm probably going to be late getting home because this guy is taking a lot of time telling me how amazing I am tearing my shit up.

A few minutes later, I get a call from my amazing, loves-my-chili husband. In the background I can hear Plus One making a happy commotion. Already, my awkwardness is infecting my speech. I am evidently uncomfortable mixing my scholastic and personal life. There is absolutely no reason for this other than my inability to be NORMAL in everyday situations.

Him: You on your way?

Me: [Suddenly, irrationally convinced my husband thinks I'm having an affair with my Professor.] Yeah, uh...sorry, I'm just uh...I'll be a bit longer...I wanted to meet with my professor...we're uh, you know, i have to write that paper...I just...I, uh...HEY! Is that Jonathan in the background?

Him: Yeah, he's telling me the water's too hot for his bath. Alright, see you when you get home.

Me: [Overzealously] I LOVE YOU!

Him: Love you, too.

*click*

Me: [To my professor] Ah, that was just my husband! He's giving my son a bath, and he's so funny...T9, I mean Plus One! Oye, I'm always confusing their names...so sleep deprived, but you know, not so much that I can't function, I mean, I do watch the kids all day, and they're fine and everything...but anyway my son is always saying that the water is too hot, and I think he's probably just saying that to because I normally give him the baths, but since I'm not home, my husband's doing it...and this one time, we tried to show him how the shower works...

Professor: [Concerned]...is the water too hot?

Me: [A bit too eagerly]Oh, no! [nervous laughter] It's just he has this thing with the word and sometimes with his food, and even when it's like, I mean, I always cool his food for him, like practically serve it cold...but not really COLD-cold because I mean, I do cook it...unless it's like a sandwich or something...

Professor: ...so, where were we?

This might be a good time to note that I was sweating profusely by now and had regressed to the whole stick-your-lower-lip-out-and-blow-upward-toward-the-nose in an effort to cool off. I also mentioned the heat several times and talked about how I wished I had a hair tie while lifting my hair up off my neck and then promptly letting it fall again. Unfortunately, none of these strategies have a very significant effect on the current temperature.

A few minutes later...

Professor: So, this part...you mention this author, but I'm not sure I understand this quote. What was this article about?

Me: [stare]

Professor: [stare]

Me: Ohuh...right, gosh, I can't remember the name of it...oh, that's right, it was a book! Yeah, it was a book.

Professor: Okay, but what was it about?

Me: Oh man, what WAS that title? Implications...social theory...oh boy. I'm drawing a blank here [blowing with my lower lip] Boy! It's hot! Ha! Gosh, it was like 42 degrees like a week ago, remember?

Professor: We can just go back to that later. In this section here, you can get rid of that APA bullshit, I think.

Me: [Not even listening. Now trying to blow toward the corner of my mouth to see if that changes anything] Okay, sure.

Professor: Sorry, is it ok that I just cursed?

Me: What? Did you? I wasn't even paying attention...well, I mean, I was paying attention, of course, because I'm listening to you. But, you know, I didn't even notice. Gosh, I mean, I curse all the time. My husband's always yelling at me for it. Well, I mean, I don't curse...like, not in front of the kids or anything. I'M A PERFECT PARENT! [Nervous laughter.]

Professor: [stare]

I dunno, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get an A.
__________

*Totally kidding, probably. Leave a comment before you storm off in a huff. This way I know you're storming off in a huff. The Internet is tricky that way.

13 comments:

  1. oh man, i totally laughed at this one. i can picture that whole scenario going down! sometimes people don't get how transitioning between being home with kids to being out in the real world, as a master no less, really takes a lot of concentration, and that things like overactive sweat glands can easily disrupt your game.

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  2. I have that same problem!
    I'm a real ball-busting alpha dog out in the world, but at home I'm the Landladys little bitch.
    So phone transitioning requires a zen like moment of silence (to put on my mental skirt).

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  3. This post seemed eerily familiar, and it finally dawned on me this brick-wall awkward babble is probably what I've sounded like to other people for the majority of my life to date.

    I think I'm getting misty. :D

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  4. I'm all awkward and uncomfortable now. That's how you know when a post is good. It makes you want to take a shower.

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  5. Isn't it great when you write something and think it's the funniest thing EVER and then it gets taken completely out of context and people think you're the horriblestest person of all time? I sure do.

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  6. I think you're pretty attractive, but yesterday you told me your husband knows Kung Fu, and since I'm afraid of Chinese people, I don't want your husband sicking his friend on me.

    And, at least you didn't break down into tears when he started raking you over the coals. Not that I ever did that in front of my graduate advisor. *shifty-eyes* Gotta go.

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  7. Cat... I had to go brush my teeth. Twice.

    Kristine... I must confess that I even tried sticking my lip out and blow on my nose. I felt like a dumbass but when you do it (did it)... i could just feel your uneasyness. Well done.

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  8. Lana: The sweat was SO not helping...I didn't even get into my pathetic attempts to be discreet while checking for pit stains.

    Frankenfinger: I think I'm just a bitch everywhere.

    Broc: I'm so sitting at YOUR lunch table from now on.

    Cat: That might have been one of the sweetest things anyone's said to me about my writing. I'm glad I make you feel dirty.

    Captain Dumbass: How DARE you speak to me that way! Wait, what?

    TIM: My husband is actually a tribal warrior and doesn't speak any English, just clicks and stuff. He's much less frightening than a Chinese person. Also, I hear women find the crying thing really endearing. Some of them, anyway. Ahem.

    Jerrod: You weren't supposed to EAT the post. Damnit. Do I have to spell out EVERYTHING? But seriously, what IS it about that blowing thing? Did Darwin look into that phenomenon. I bet fish started that shit. Fucking fish.

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  9. I have found the most effective way to minimize self-loathing is to actively hate everyone else.

    Funny story about the convo with your professor...as the queen of social ineptness, I could totally relate ;-).

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  10. I think if you're kid's alive at the end of the day, you're pretty much a superstar parent.

    At least that's how mine raised me.

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  11. I think you're pretty attractive, but yesterday you told me your husband knows Kung Fu, and since I'm afraid of Chinese people, I don't want your husband sicking his friend on me.

    And, at least you didn't break down into tears when he started raking you over the coals. Not that I ever did that in front of my graduate advisor. *shifty-eyes* Gotta go.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I have that same problem!
    I'm a real ball-busting alpha dog out in the world, but at home I'm the Landladys little bitch.
    So phone transitioning requires a zen like moment of silence (to put on my mental skirt).

    ReplyDelete
  13. Isn't it great when you write something and think it's the funniest thing EVER and then it gets taken completely out of context and people think you're the horriblestest person of all time? I sure do.

    ReplyDelete