Friday, March 13, 2009

Oh, Gwennie


I know I'm a bit late with this one, but have you heard this nonsense that is GOOP?

Apparently apple-enthusiast Gwenyth Paltrow started the site because he friends were always hounding her and stuff for her gold-leaf covered opinions on trendy things. So she thought she'd share with her public...you know, her peers.

We'll start with the obvious. Goop?! Sure, if anything says, trendy, elitist thoughts on how one should maintain a pretentious lifestyle, GOOP is it! And the tagline? "Nourish the inner aspect." Doesn't do much to change my first impression. Just say "spirit" woman. Aspect is just so, well, incorrect, kinda.

Anyway, I could complain about how she tries to get all chummy with her viewing public when she talks about losing those extra holiday pounds by participating in a "hallucenogenic" (no lie) "Master Cleanse" that her doctor even warned was not all too, well, intelligent. She warns that it's not pretty, which might shed some light on why she named this site something that rhymes with poop. Good job Paltrow. Thanks for my dialisis.

She closes her little snippet by wishing us all "good luck" and assuring her readers that she'll be "suffering along with [us] all." Hmm. If by suffering, you mean institutionalized by your hallucenogenic, immune-system-erasing cleanse, then sure. Thanks for accompanying me to the psych ward because my organs have shut down and I think I'm a pink elephant.

I'd rather be chub, quite frankly.

Right, so I won't complain about that.

So I will complain about her parenting section. Because, if there's anyone I want to get my advice from, it's this wack-job. She's got a daughter, right? How long 'til we see her in the tabloids with the headline "Rotting-Away Apple?!?!"

She waxes:

Sometimes I don’t have the maturity in the moment, and when it fails me, I apologize at bedtime when my children and I are having a talk. I have felt my daughter’s whole body sigh in relief when I have simply and very specifically voiced regretting my own behavior.
Sure, that sounds reasonable. I'm sure it goes something like this:

Apple: Momma, why did you make me drink that lemon water for the whole weekend? Can't I have a bit of cracker? What I wouldn't do for some blood pudding, Mama! (remember, they're Brits.)

Mama GOOP: Apple, Apple, Apple. I'm so sorry darling. I just don't want to see you let yourself go like your Mother, here. I only want the best for you, my aromatic love.

Apple: But my kidneys? My immune system? Do you want the best for them, Mama G?

Mama GOOP: Silly little Apple Seed, those things can always be repaired with natural antioxidants and emulsifiers. But those thighs of yours will follow you around for decades! Here, take this little pill...

Apple: [Her body sighs with relief.] Can I chew it?!

Mama GOOP has gotten a lot of flack for this site. Surprised? I used to like the lady. Sure it was probably because she was dating Brad Pitt and he was totally rubbing off on her, but still. Then there was Chris Martin (I'm not on the he's-so-dreamy bandwagon.) Then the naming of her offspring. Now, well. There's this. And, she's been quoted as saying "F*%k the haters" in response to this criticism.

Perhaps that in itself is the best endorsement for how well her little recipes nurture her inner aspect.

1 comment:

  1. "Gold leaf covered opinions" - I love it!!!

    ReplyDelete