Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A Music Post

I used to be a music buff. I was interviewing rock stars (we've covered this a bit), going to all the damn shows regardless of ticket price, and jamming my mp3 player with ever indie band that was worth listening to.

Today, well...I interrogate people more than interview (Me: Well, is the lamp beige or brown?! I've got a couch to coordinate! Lady from Craigslist: Oh, dear. I'll have to go find my glasses honey. Just a second. *Click*), I help chaperone my friend's kids to their concerts, and well, I left that mp3 player on an airplane a few years back.

But I still have a thing for music. Really, I'm just like that kid from Almost Famous, just way older and with no potential or possibility for hooking up with a famous band and accompanying them across the country on a tour bus. (Ok, maybe I'm more like the mother. But shut up. She was a nice, caring woman.)

So when I was driving home from class last night, I heard something that brought back childhood memories (and no, it wasn't a smile that seems to me, Axel). My brain was telling me George Michael, "Never Gonna Dance Again." If it were more than 38 degrees outside, I'd roll down the windows to scream along like the musical maniac I am.

But first things first:

1. Freaking WHAM! sings that song?! Better 20 years late than never, right? Damn. (EDIT: Ok, I didn't even know that Wham! was George Michael before he was George Michael. This is completely disrupting the cool image I have of myself as a child. I'm going to think twice about these posts in the future.)
2. These GUILTY feet have got no rhythm? I always thought it was these TWO feet! Fuck. Rats!

After the opening riff, I was still kind of excited. I love 80's music, and I'm kinda digging on this resurgence, even if it is recycled and accompanied by lots of boys wearing girls' tapered jeans (which would be fine if they did the freaking tight roll, I mean come on.) Here's what it sounds like for those of you who haven't heard this mess already. You're getting the lame YouTube non-video because I don't know how to embed music yet:

Yeah, it's one of those screechy can't-tell-if-it's-Nickelback-or-my-butthole bands. After 20 seconds, I'm just kinda sad about the whole ordeal. The excitement, the let down, the utter confusion. I just drove down the highway, with my face contorted, occassionally trying to ballad my voice over the lead singer's to reclaim my childhood innocence. I'm sure I looked something like this:

It wasn't pretty.

But it got me thinking about music and my main problem with "the music kids listen to these days." Aside from the occasional pillaging of my childhood memories and desecration of my musical idols (kind of), it's the freaking crap lyrics. Take just a few modern hits I've heard for example:

  • synchronizing watches to the seconds that we lost (Rise Against "Audience of One")
I'm picturing this music-writing session looking something like this:

Rockstar #1: Man, what is that WORD?! It's like, when you make your wrist watches go beep at the same time...like, James Bond and shit does it all the time. Man, that word would be PERFECT as a lyric.
  • I don't like illusions I can't see....them clearly (Sick Puppies "All the Same")
This one has pissed me off for months. The dude sings the line and then adds that little descriptor after a long pause. So I'm all, "What do you MEAN you don't like illusions you can't see?!(?!?!) That's kind of what an illusion IS!" And then he's all, "...them clearly." And then I'm all, "You bastard. Is this a song or a game of Your Music Sucks?"
  • Now I'm stuck between a rock and nowhere ("Do What you Do" Mudvayne)
Come on. I can't even begin with this gem. And let's not even discuss the name of the band.

Were the bands we listened to really this awful? Hello, Nirvana! Hello, Pearl Jam! Hello, Color Me Badd, or, uh, there was also Milli Vanilli? Paula Abdul? Well, there were a few with staying power. That's my point, ok? It's not my fault Milli and Vanilli were so damn cute (Oh, lord. I thought they were cute back then?! Blech), no one bothered to check if they were actually singing.

But I'm exhausted, people. The act of ruining my childhood with corrected lyrics and awful remakes has really done a number on this lady. In the meantime, I'm gonna go put on some of my 80s favorites and sing along...

Hush, hush...keep it down now...THIS IS SCARY!


  1. Yes, you thought they were cute.

    I even seem to recall someone calling up a radio station (K104, I'm certain) to help a DJ (was his name Scott? Scotty?) fling out a line to introduce them at their local concert (did someone go? I know one did want to, badly)

    I even remember the line someone tried to sell him... *evil grin*

    At least the 80s did have classics. I've been hearing the Bangles. Might be simple pop, but they rock without sucking.

  2. Oh...my...

    K104--Stu Shantz (?): "We've been searching high! We've been searching low! For the greatest band we'll ever know! Introducing MILLI VANILLI!"

    Yikes. I vividly remember that also. And then after I gave him that AMAZING line, I was all, "so, did I win the tickets...like, if you use the line?"

    He laughed and was like, "Well, haha...not really...haha"

    Bastard. I was so sad.

  3. Speaking of music, I do have a last.fm profile. Doubt there's anything there you haven't heard (maybe Carbon Leaf and Freezepop), but as my one minor bow to social networking, you might be curious enough to check it out. Under the usual name.

    Can I even link in this thing... *starts beating on the text box* Testing... Testing.... [url="about:blank"]Testing[/url]

  4. I always imagine those writing sessions, too. What about "Champagne Supernova"? Someone probably thought here are two cool sounding words - let's put them together. And the refrain will be "while we were getting high" sung 8 billion times!! I do like that song though. PS - Thanks for helping chaperone my kids to concerts with me -

  5. Why don't you show a little love and holler at those greasy perverts from Color Me Bad?

  6. Sorry, Nirvana kind of went out like a light when we discovered that Kurt Cobain was lying at the end of "Come as you are".

  7. Why don't you show a little love and holler at those greasy perverts from Color Me Bad?