Sunday, March 1, 2009

I'm Smooth Like...

So why did I come back from the blogging dead? Why even attempt to regain the status which once brought me lavish gifts (there was that one gift card from that girl), extravagant parties (a few of us bloggers met up this one time), and of course the fame and the fortune (infamy might be the better word and I never did sign up for those Google ads.)

Sigh. It’s been rough, guys…

…No, no, no. I won’t go down that road again… I mean, I’m sure you don’t even care about the deep soul searching and sleepless nights. I’d be hunched over my laptop between Scrabble moves sifting through my hard drive back-up of all those deftly Paint-shopped images of yesteryear. There was probably baby puke on my shoulder. Ok, there probably still is.

But, as I said, who gives a crap?

I’m back, against all odds (but that’s what I’ll have to ta-aaaaaake! Or is it faa-aa-aaaaace?) and that’s what matters. And it’s for purely selfish reasons. (Don’t be so surprised.) I’ll be finishing my degree soon, and since I’m stuck…I mean, fortunate enough to be at home with two freshly sprouted kids, I need something to keep me out of the loony bin quite frankly. But more specifically, I want to be rich and famous.

Which brings us back to the beginning. See how I did that?

This is the plan:
1. Gain fame and fortune at as little cost and effort to myself as possible. No drafting of manuscripts and lugging it (I’m picturing a literal lugging…3 foot tall pile of papers held together with an old belt strap) from agent to agent, in foul weather in all likelihood. I’d much prefer if they came to me. Between the hours of 10am and 6pm, if you could, so it doesn’t interrupt my shower schedule.
2. That’s pretty much it.

I realize it won’t happen immediately, so that’s where you guys come in. You’re like the dude who massages my shoulders in between boxing rounds, shouting profanities in my ear and rubbing Vaseline on my eye sockets.

So thanks in advance, friends. Thanks for the Vaseline.

*I don't recommend doing a Google Image search for Vaseline, in case you were curious. I mean, unless you're into that kinda thing...

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