Monday, March 2, 2009

I Used to Like Unicorns

So I'm going to be as, ahem, nice as possible here.

I mentioned I'm finishing a degree. Ok, I'll say it. It's my Masters, ok? But that doesn't make me better than you. I mean, it does mean that I'm almost a Master of...something, I would presume. But that's not really the point.

The point is that I'm in this class with lots of annoying people. It tends to be the case whenever I'm in large groups of people. Specifically there is this one girl. And don't do that cat-fight thing. You know, that MREOW! noise. It's not like that. I hate both genders equally.

So the girl. She's...let's say, socially awkward. Because that'd be paying her a compliment, I'm sure. She wears sparkly shirts, totes around unicorn & rainbow purses (yes, there are two), and employs writing utensils that light up when she writes with them. This last item also tends to correspond with the closest holiday.

Remember. This is college. We're in college.

But here's what I'm getting at. Because when I came home from my first meeting with these people, I told my husband about her. And before Ieven got to the flashy pens, he was all,

"Ohhhh, wait...are you making fun of her aren't you!? That's mean!"

Ugh. Always interrupting a good story to try to make me a "better person."

But I protested. "But she's not, like, just weird. She's one of those mean ones that hides her insecurities with outwardly mean behavior!..."

We exchange glances and I quickly add,

"...And yes, we're still talking about her."

Rainbows. Unicorns? Come ON! I was this close to actually applying duct tape to my own mouth.

This might just be a question for the philosophers themselves. Do the rules of, oh, I don't know, morality, apply to those who are also straight-up evil? Don't you think those unicorns might be a secret code for all her other unicorn mafia members? She was clearly making fun of other classmates, even while she adjusted her glasses in the center of the frame with one finger.

And YES.

We are still talking about her.

Sigh. You're secretly judging behind the security of that monitor, aren't you? Fine. Good!

But just consider this before you go:


  1. so i'm going to structure my response in a way that you seem comfortable with (numbered points):

    1. the clip was hilarious, even my 5 month old baby sitting on my lap watching with me was thoroughly entertained

    2. i certainly cannot judge anyone for shit-talking, because i am probably the worst shit-talker you will ever meet (that whole 'i'm insecure so i talk about people' thing)

    3. is it possible that because this girl sucks so much at being nice that her love of unicorns serves as one more reason to be annoyed with her? i have a friend (who shall remain nameless) who i think does a great job of being outwardly normal, and in mose cases actualy is normal, but if i'm not mistaken, she did in fact meet her husband on a day that she was wearing a t-shirt with a pink/purple unicorn on it with her name airbrushed in sparkly letters (and said day was not in 1983 but some time in 2005). which brings me to...

    4. i take you at your word when you say this girl sucks that much, and i would love to join you in ridiculing her various personal choices, but get to the goods and use the unicorns as your opener, not the whole argument

    i hope that comes across as funny as it was in my head....

  2. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I'm pro-unicorn.

    I cannot entirely judge from behind my shiny monitor, based on an experience with a secretary/receptionist that would not, under any circumstances, stop singing the damn peanut butter and jelly song. Best I could do was reduce her to humming, and listen to a deafening roar of computer cooling fan noise as a way to drown things out.

    And I must admit, flashing pens strike me as unholy children of Satan.

    Just to be safe though, it may be wise to be polite; the UNIC cult has a strong following I hear, and the flash pen may be a brainwashing device.

  3. Lana, holy crap. How did I forget about the SHIRT?! I'm in need of some intense therapy. (Or, more importantly, a great idea for my Anniversary Post!...Nothing says I'll Love You Forever like some airbrushing and horned heads!)

    Or maybe her pen has already hypnotized me into repression, as my brother has warned.

    If I were on a couch somewhere, I'd be on the verge of a breakthrough, I'm sure...

    (sobbing) You're right, Doctor! I still DO love unicorns, damnit! And that should be okay, right?

    Maybe this is all about my impending 30th.