So Thomas is 4 months old now, and last night he slept for 9 hours straight. NINE. It was amazing. It was my first opportunity in, say, at least 6 months to sleep for a long chunk of time while the rest of the world snored away like the privileged bastards they are. And I say 6 because for the last few months of my second pregnancy, I was like a 75 year-old Jewish woman from Brooklyn.
3 AM, any given night, October 2008:
Me: [Dramatic sigh--I'm fond of those] F*@k, my friggin' back! The baby's using my sciatic nerve as a damn teething ring.
James: [Resisting the urge to tell me to shut the hell-o up] You sound like a 75 year-old Jewish woman from Brooklyn.
Of course, once the baby came, I slept little because he was up eating lots. Since I'm nursing, this meant I was up feeding him lots. It's fairly simple logic.
So maybe you can imagine my elation when my eyelids creaked open to eyeball the clock last night. It was 3am, and the baby was still sleeping. Halle-freaking-lujah.
Because, as I soon realized, the reason why I was creaking open my eyelids was because there was some rather dull and intense pain in my chest. The throbbing kind that triggers those parts of the brain that shout "doctor," "Web MD," or "more liquor." It turned out it was my boobs. They were about to explode. Without the baby waking every few hours to empty them, the milk just accumulates. Again, pretty simple logic.
I took my finger and poked my left breast. Rock solid. Which, aside from that pain thing, really was kind of nice. I took a moment to imagine what my boobs would look like in the mirror at that moment: twice their normal size, perky, magnificent. If I could have such firm, full breasts next time I wear that nice dress with the low neck-line, I'd be queen of the damn mountain (whatever that means).
But I wasn't wearing a dress. And I was lacking the rest of the bangin' body to accompany the bangin' breasts.
And maybe most importantly, I was in bed, at 3am, and my boobs were about to freaking burst. This meant I had a few options:
- Get up and pump that juice.
- Wake up the baby and let him feed voraciosly.
- Go back to sleep and hope that when my boobs did in fact burst, the explosion doesn't wake the neighbors.
But the rest of the night, I dreamt I was Sheyla Hershey. And it was fantastic.