This is a real headline, with a real picture, from my very real local paper.
Got that headline? Wonderful. Now just take in the great accompanying photo for a second. Yeah, take that shit it like a good painting at the Met.
Holy crapmyself. Did they really need to leave the "Crunch-a-tize Me Cap'n!" part on there? For fuck's sake! A little paintbrush in ol' Paint would clean that right up, you amazing a-hole.
Because--stay with me--let's read the first line or two of the article. FIFTEEN kids?! As if the stolen cereal wasn't enough of an absurdity, let's just go ahead and multiply that by FIFTEEN. And you know that the dumbass who put this picture up had a hearty chuckle about this news bit. This teenager was jumped by a small MOB and my paper puts The Cap'n as an image to help us comprehend the scenario?
I hope this international economic crisis hits the newspaper industry in my region quickly. Let's just leave it at that. They've already made me break my effing cursing rule.
*Loosely translated on the street to mean beat the shit out of me, kindly.