It's Go Time, Comrades

Voting officially opened yesterday in the Chrysler Blogger Face-Off. And because I was dedicating myself to annoying the crap out of everyone via Twitter, I took an early lead.

BUT THEN THINGS TOOK A TURN FOR THE WORSE.

At the moment, I'm trailing the leader by nearly HALF her votes. (And, MY GOD PEOPLE, she's a REVIEW BLOGGER.)

You know what this means, friends.

 I REALLY NEED YOU TONIGHT.

(Actually, I need you for the remainder of the week, but we can take things slow.)

Here's what you do:

1. Vote for me by selecting my name on the Chrysler Blogger Face-Off page.
2. Repeat this process from as many computers as you can find.
3. Repeat steps #1 and #2 every day this week. If you work in a computer lab? I WILL MAIL YOU COOKIES.
4. Spread the word because you love me and you want to see me happy. (But also because there's an iPad2 in it for YOU!) Share on Facebook, Twitter, Craigslist, Petfinder....WHATEVER. (There are share buttons on my page and on the Chrysler page. Or just share this: Can you spare 3 seconds for a woman who's willing to do CRAZY THINGS for your vote? http://bit.ly/yYC7g7 )
5. Sit back and feel the love that I am sending you. CAN YOU FEEL IT? FEEL THE VIBRATIONS.

Now, as things get more desperate toward the end of the week, I may be willing to do the unthinkable in exchange for your votes, so STAY TUNED.

Over and out.

Big News!

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen some of my tweets linking to some blog posts over at Chrysler.com's blog.

WELL.

That's because I was asked to participate in the Chrysler Blogger Face-Off (which unfortunately doesn't involve plastic surgery OR John Travolta, but is super fun nevertheless). Since last week, Chrysler has been publishing posts written by me and four other bloggers. Starting this coming Monday, the 27th (I think...this date is subject to change), you will be able to vote for ME (or another blogger, if you don't value my self-worth and will to live) once a day for like seven days or something. After that, the blogger with the most votes will win a trip to NYC for three days! Since this would be our first chance at a family vacation, I'm--let's say--enthusiastic about my performance.

Ahem.

PLUS!  Because Chrysler is super smart and TOTALLY ONTO YOU, they're also giving me an iPad2 to give away to one of YOU lucky readers if I am the winning blogger!

Bribery!

So! If you want to check it out (MY GOD, PLEASE CHECK IT OUT AND COMMENT), I have two posts up so far. One is a silly poem about a Cup Holder (written in classic ode form, for realz), and the other is a list of methods to keep kids occupied during a lengthy road trip (in true, WitV, unconventional style).

Here's a taste of today's post:

Ah, road trips! Once epic journeys of self-discovery, wild-abandon, and speeding tickets, they take on a new vision when you have a family on board. Modern electronics and video-systems can make road trips a breeze for both parents and children alike, but maybe you want to switch things up a bit! Or maybe you can’t afford a personal tablet for each of your children, because you’re not made of money for the love of god! Here are some fun new ideas for keeping your kids occupied during your next big adventure.

1. Fun for infants

Dramamine! Haha, just kidding. You’d be smart to just go with a tranquilizer dart. Or a separate vehicle altogether! ConVOY!

2. Fun for toddlers

Toddlers are great because this is the age where they love to learn new things and help mom and dad. Starting around age two or three, my son was especially fond of helping me with the laundry. Why not try, for your next road trip, to bring a basket of laundry? Plop that sucker between the two kids and let them fold away! (Laundry should be clean, preferably, but kids are adaptable.) ...

Click here to read the full post at Chrysler.com!

Please and thank you!

(And also we need to talk about my latest dream which involved Phil Collins.)

:/

Dream Study

I don't often have nightmares. I mean, sometimes I have the occasional Angelina-Jolie-is-stealing-my-husband night terror, but don't we all? No, this is different. Lately I've been having a distinct nightmare...a recurring one at that. In fact, I'm not even sure how to say this, so I'll just blurt it out:

I've been dreaming about my passport, you guys.

I don't remember when they first started, but they've been going on for about a few months now. Each scenario has me in a different situation, but the outcome is always the same: I'm about to board the plane to a foreign country when I suddenly remember that I don't HAVE a passport.

In fact, I misplaced it during a college move, and it hasn't been seen since.

Going to sleep at night has become quite anxiety-inducing, and for reasons other than those related to my cache of blunt objects. So I think it's time I take a close look at this recurring nightmare and assess what my subconscious is trying to tell me. Naturally, I'll need your help since I haven't yet found a Texas therapist.

Ahem.

So here's some possibilities I've come up with so far.

1. Are people hanging out without me?

At least one of the dreams involved joining a friend (who may have been Ramona from The Real Housewives of New York) (don't judge) for an impromptu trip to the Fiji Islands (I SAID DON'T JUDGE). The entire time I packed, I was plagued with fear that I wouldn't be able to go, and it wasn't until I was at the gate that I realized...my fear...was true.

Romona didn't even look back, you guys. SHE JUST LEFT ME THERE.

2. The impending implosion of our economic system and democracy as we know it.

Perhaps I'm subconsciously worried that I'm somehow unprepared for catastrophe should it arise? Like, zombies are suddenly a real thing just when I thought we could stop joking about them nonstop, along with unicorns and ninjas and "hearting" things? This possible fear is one I've thought through more consciously, and came to the conclusion that my husband could probably just smuggle us out on one of his military planes. But, then again, one of his planes would probably be going TOWARD the chaos, that is IF OUR MILITARY EVEN EXISTED ANYMORE, so here I am back at square one, which is, you know, PANIC.

3. The FBI

As I mentioned, I lost my passport at some point in college. I'm not unconvinced it's not actually still in my parents garage, packed away with old combat boots, but whatever..my parent's garage is another phobia all in itself.

At one point, before I met my husband, I actually went to the local government office to file the paperwork for a new passport, but there was a section on the form that asked me to submit the police report to prove I'd reported it stolen. Fucking POLICE REPORT?! Of course I hadn't called the police! It was COLLEGE. (I didn't realize it was lost until like YEARS later anyway.)  And then there was 9/11, and let's just say I'm slightly worried someone is using my passport for illegal activity and maybe I'm on America's Most Wanted?

4. TEXAS IS THE HOTEL CALIFORNIA AND YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE

These nightmares didn't start until we moved to Texas, and I'm just saying, maybe there's a connection, as Texas *is* actively trying to kill me.

5. Something else entirely related to my anxiety and need for control and preparedness?

Meh. Probably not that one.

(Kindly vote (diagnose, whatever) in the comments.)

Two Girls Walk into a Shoe Store...

I'm just going to level with you: I've been going to the gym pretty regularly here lately. And I KNOW, I know. You're totally thinking, the gym? WTF, Kristine? Isn't that going to result in you becoming sexy and svelt and muscular and probably getting recognized on the street and whisked away to Hollywood, and then suddenly you'll be too busy and rich and famous to keep up a blog anymore?

Well, yes. I fully expect this is a possibility. But let's not get ahead of ourselves! Right now, the task at hand is keeping me committed to the gym SO STOP TALKING ABOUT SNICKERS BARS.

Ahem.

Anyway, I decided it was time to turn in my seven year-old running shoes for a new, updated pair if this gym-thing is going to last. But remembering that I am not to be trusted when it comes to making choices about fashion (OMFG I BLAME THE SKINNY JEANS), I asked my friend (and neighbor) Jenni to come along with me.

Much to my surprise, she agreed to be seen in public with me, so off we went.

When we got to the first store, I reminded her of the task at hand: to buy a pair of sneakers that aren't fully ridiculous. And, you know, good for the thing they call "running." She got right to work, gathering pairs of sneakers in my size. After several try-ons and about 45 minutes, however, I realized that my favorite pair was fully in the "ridiculous" camp.

We pressed on.

The next store had basically the same damn shoes, but also boasted a Buy-One-Get-One-Half-Off sale. And, wait! Jenni has a coupon! Suddenly, those shoes were starting to remarkably less ridiculous. But we tried one more store, just to be sure.

This store had a pair that I loved, but they were kind of similar to the other Ridiculous Shoes that we'd seen in the store that had the SALE-SALE-SALE! posters in the window, and OMG anyone else craving a humongous cookie?!

So.

Back and forth, and back again we went, so that we no longer knew which was my favorite or what the hell we were even shopping for in the first place, and dear god...is someone watching the children?! It was a dizzying haze of neon pinks and greens and shoelaces, and sale stickers as we left one store only to head back minutes later, discovering it had been ROBBED OF SHOES BY A LARGE ANGRY WOMAN moments before we arrived, only we didn't know this, so we just went to a corner of the store to switch out a pair of laces and just buy the GODDAMN RIDICULOUS SHOES ALREADY BECAUSE LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING even though there was an officer standing near the cash register when we approached, causing me to freeze instantly and prepare a speech about why I switched the neon green laces for the gray ones and that it was really MY GIFT TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC, and Jesus Christ, these are the fucking shoes we bought, ok?

Sure, some might call them "ridiculous" because you can "see them from a mile away" or they "burn your retinas" and "scare young children," but I'll have you know that just yesterday, at the gym, a man walked by as I was workin' it out on the elliptical, and he totally did a double-take.

(Of my feet. He was probably like 80.)

Happy VD 2 U

It's Valentine's time once again, and, like last year, I'm here to provide you with some excellent greeting card ideas for your male counterpart. It was about twelve months ago now that I found myself in the Hallmark section at the local Target, SOBBING MY EYES OUT, over a card with a puppy and maybe even some heart balloons. And I was totally going to buy it for my husband. My Marine Corps husband who is, of course, super totally sensitive, but MY GOD WOMAN, not about fucking PUPPIES.

So I took things into my own hands and came up with my own line of Valentine's cards, designed to speak more directly to a man's heart, rather than a woman's.

Here's 2012's WitV exclusive line of Valentine's Day cards! Feel free to print them out and use them to fill that void in your marriage that you never new existed UNTIL THIS VERY MOMENT.

The card that says, "Hey, I'd still do you."

The card that says, "Your biological drive to provide is the key to my heart."

The card that says, "You always know how to make me laugh!"

And the card that says, "My love for you is unconditional."

Now go forth and consume chocolate, you crazy lovers!