Talking About the Weather

In 1989, when I was ten, I was living in the Hudson Valley By then, I'd seen plenty of snow, ice, and sometimes flooding, but I never once worried about tornadoes. Then, one day, seemingly out of nowhere, there was exactly that. A tornado. It came without much warning and it hit an elementary school. My mom worked a few miles up the road. I was in school a few miles in the opposite direction.

Seven children died that day as they ate their lunch.

A: Coldenham Elementary B. Where my mother worked C. My school

I don't remember whether we hid under desks or stood in the hall or whether we even knew what was happening in that school miles away. But I do remember my mother, running up the walk to the front door of my school that afternoon. I remember the clack of her heels against the pavement, the touch of her jacket against my cheek as she lifted me up, and her soft cries in my ear. I didn't quite understand, but I knew it was bad, and I hugged her so tightly, my legs wrapped around her back.

Today I remember those children from Coldenham Elementary School. I think of Oklahoma. And I grieve. I grieve and I hold on to the strength that lies within the human spirit.

What else can we do?

We're under tornado watch here in DFW this afternoon. I'm watching the forecast, getting prepared, and remembering the odds are in our favor. What else can I do?

Portraiture

Him: Mom, do you have brown hair?

Me: Yep!

Him: Okay, I'm gonna make it green.

Me: ...

Him: And, are you okay with having more than five fingers?

Me: Of course. Maybe I can get more done with some extra fing---

Him: How about a dress? Would you like a red dress?

Me: I love dresses, bud. That sounds great!

Him: And, how about shoes? You're gonna wear your flip-flops, if that's okay.

Me: They are my favorite shoes!

Him: And you love sweeping, right?

Me: Well...I mean, I---

Him: Okay, FINISHED.

Pants-free and perfect.

What's Good

This Monday has been rough. This year, so far, has been rough. So I'm going to shift my perspective a bit to avoid rattling of a laundry list of how I bombed my latest interview, how our truck got broken into by some deranged lunatic last night, and my SIL had a massive heart attack this morning.

So here's what's good.

1. T9

T9 has been going to speech therapy and learning to make the S, F, SH, and TH sounds. His latest achievement is mastery of the S sound which means he throws it around with flourish and fanfare whenever possible. Mostly this is when he is apologizing for being jerky to his mother.

"SSSssssssssssssssssssorry, MOM!"

It's sassy and it's ridiculous and I love him to bits, that little punky kid.

2. PlusOne

THIS kid has been on a quest to become the most sports-enthused-and-immersed 6 year-old on the planet and his latest accomplishment has been learning to ride his bike with no training wheels. And by "learning" I mean this:

I left for 30 minutes to run an errand. FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER, I got a text:

Me: Wait, I can't tell...is he not using his training wheels?

Him: Nope.

Me: WTF?!

Him: He was ready; he just didn't know it yet.

Me: BEEMS WITH PRIDE AND CRASHES INTO MEDIAN BECAUSE THE TEARS GOT IN THE WAY.

3. The Husband

He did his second triathlon yesterday and blew away his previous time and we're super proud and NO ONE EVEN THREW A DONUT AT HIM!

4. Texas

The weather has been amazing down here and remarkably tornado free.

And there are capable pest control specialists that will come and toxify your house to kill any scorpions you may encounter. In your bedroom.

5. Kelcey & her uterus

Kelcey, one of my most favorites at The Mouthy Housewives, is having her fifth (OMG FIVE) kid in about a week! We (Marinka, Wendi, Karen, and I) made her a present, but you can join in too. No stripper knowledge required. (What?)

6. Mightee Kids

This is a company that reached out to me a few weeks ago, and I love them to bits which makes no sense because I don't even KNOW-them-know-them, but it is what it is, okay? Besides, you may be crying like me in a moment and pledging your love as well when you see this bit about them from their website:

That is some touching shit right there. Don't act like you're not impressed.

T9, by the way, is thoroughly impressed.

Anyway, what's good with you guys?

Kris Kross Will Make You Write To-Do Lists

When you wake up at 5:00am to the news that one of the members of Kris Kross is dead at the age of 34 and you rub your eyes and do the math, and SHIT, that's how old YOU are...you start to get a little nervous. A little nervous and reminiscent.

So I'm sitting in front of my computer making to-do lists. Because everyone knows that with a to-do list, nothing bad can happen. Unless you lost the list, of course, which is why I've made them in triplicate and hid them about the house. I'm also considering going to the tattoo parlor later. (Side note: there are MANY tattoo parlors in Texas. See also: erotica shops.)

Holy shit, you should see my to-do list. I have a lot to do. Now I'm stressed. And now I'm probably going to have a heart attack. This is backfiring.

Maybe I'll relax and reminisce, because now I'm also remembering this show that comes on ESPN Classic all the time, which is a station I've never seen in existence outside of my local YMCA. It's called Battle of the Network Stars and it's got people like David Letterman and Michael J. Fox and Tutti from Facts of Life, all looking like they're about 15 years old, and doing field day sports like tug-of-war and relay races and sitting in the dunk tank.

And now that I've wasted 20 minutes of my day at 5:00am looking at videos of David Letterman's curly hair, I'm back to being stressed about my to-do list. Fucking Kris Kross, man.

Let's do some housekeeping:

1. If you haven't been keeping track of my MIA ass, you may have missed me at MamaPop where I spent the month of April talking about:

1) How I kind of hate Amanda Palmer and her poetry.
2) Sportacus and Lil Jon.
3) Weird Science, the horrible 80s movie and what will likely be the horrible modern remake.
4) Melania Trump and her son, Eggface.
5) and the downward spiral of Jessica Alba into Gwyneth Paltrow-dom.
6) and EVEN MORE!

2. Same goes for The Mouthy Housewives. Check it:

1) Death--er, HUSBANDS--and taxes.
2) A woman and mother who needs more than a wine cooler.
3) And this question I answered for BlogHer Moms that stressed me the fuck out.

3. I have been working behind the scenes with awesome people from Chobani and Mightee Kids, and you can expect to see a bit more of them here on the blog. (And they totally didn't pay me to say that. But they did give me yogurt. And t-shirts.) I'm also planning on doing my annual Summertime Blues giveaway very soon, so you should probably get excited for THAT mess.

4. My kids have been doing some crazy things here lately, and I feel the need to update you on that. So if someone could remind me tomorrow?

I'm off to the gym. Today is Body Pump which means I'll spend at least 15 minutes of my morning sticking my ass out behind me during squats and wondering how see-through my exercise pants really are.

The Elephant in the Room

(Not the clicking one, thank sweet baby Jesus.)

No, I'm referring to this echoing void that has become of my blog for the past few months. I have this raging guilt about letting it stagnate, but at the same time have been utterly uninspired to write. So, essentially, it's been a combo of me all GUYS, DO YOU FORGIVE ME? WAIT COME BACK mixed with OMG YOU GUYS GET OFF ME ALREADY I'M JUST TRYING TO EAT SOME CHEETOS.

I'm not an easy woman to love.

And, speaking of Cheetos! Sure, I just ate some, but that's besides the point. I know I mentioned fitness in my last post, and that's actually a lot of what's been eating up my time. I spend a disproportionate amount of time at the local YMCA, contemplating things like the existence of Didactic Pirate's doppelganger (he lives in Texas, y'all, and he enjoys Body Pump class!), counting my calories on this machine that my husband likes to refer to as The Gazelle, and watching my son become best friends with this ancient man named Peter who gives him coins every morning when we see him. It's basically the cutest thing ever, so you can tell your kids to go ahead and quit. I've already had the talk with the neighborhood ones.
 

The Gazelle.

Plus I'm trying to find a job, and that is really time consuming and stressful and also annoying because, OMG I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK?! Out of at least 30 applications, I have had exactly one interview. And it was with a school that may or may not have made the news for rumors about its ties to terrorism. But, hey! A job's a job, amirite!?

Ugh. Life and stuff.

But I also feel completely out of touch with all of you guys! I haven't been reading your blogs or even stalking anyone on Twitter lately. I've only really been on Instagram, where I've documented the scorpion I found in my bedroom, the sustained stupidity of my cats, my kid learning to frickin READ and ride a bike WITHOUT TRAINING WHEELS, and discovered the existence of Instagram Thrifting. (It's a bizarre subculture, letmetellyou. Let's talk about it.)

Anyway, if you're out there, accept my apology for neglecting you so. Or at least a take handful of Cheetos. Shit, I'm gonna eat the whole damn bag.