Two Girls Walk into a Shoe Store...

I'm just going to level with you: I've been going to the gym pretty regularly here lately. And I KNOW, I know. You're totally thinking, the gym? WTF, Kristine? Isn't that going to result in you becoming sexy and svelt and muscular and probably getting recognized on the street and whisked away to Hollywood, and then suddenly you'll be too busy and rich and famous to keep up a blog anymore?

Well, yes. I fully expect this is a possibility. But let's not get ahead of ourselves! Right now, the task at hand is keeping me committed to the gym SO STOP TALKING ABOUT SNICKERS BARS.

Ahem.

Anyway, I decided it was time to turn in my seven year-old running shoes for a new, updated pair if this gym-thing is going to last. But remembering that I am not to be trusted when it comes to making choices about fashion (OMFG I BLAME THE SKINNY JEANS), I asked my friend (and neighbor) Jenni to come along with me.

Much to my surprise, she agreed to be seen in public with me, so off we went.

When we got to the first store, I reminded her of the task at hand: to buy a pair of sneakers that aren't fully ridiculous. And, you know, good for the thing they call "running." She got right to work, gathering pairs of sneakers in my size. After several try-ons and about 45 minutes, however, I realized that my favorite pair was fully in the "ridiculous" camp.

We pressed on.

The next store had basically the same damn shoes, but also boasted a Buy-One-Get-One-Half-Off sale. And, wait! Jenni has a coupon! Suddenly, those shoes were starting to remarkably less ridiculous. But we tried one more store, just to be sure.

This store had a pair that I loved, but they were kind of similar to the other Ridiculous Shoes that we'd seen in the store that had the SALE-SALE-SALE! posters in the window, and OMG anyone else craving a humongous cookie?!

So.

Back and forth, and back again we went, so that we no longer knew which was my favorite or what the hell we were even shopping for in the first place, and dear god...is someone watching the children?! It was a dizzying haze of neon pinks and greens and shoelaces, and sale stickers as we left one store only to head back minutes later, discovering it had been ROBBED OF SHOES BY A LARGE ANGRY WOMAN moments before we arrived, only we didn't know this, so we just went to a corner of the store to switch out a pair of laces and just buy the GODDAMN RIDICULOUS SHOES ALREADY BECAUSE LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING even though there was an officer standing near the cash register when we approached, causing me to freeze instantly and prepare a speech about why I switched the neon green laces for the gray ones and that it was really MY GIFT TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC, and Jesus Christ, these are the fucking shoes we bought, ok?

Sure, some might call them "ridiculous" because you can "see them from a mile away" or they "burn your retinas" and "scare young children," but I'll have you know that just yesterday, at the gym, a man walked by as I was workin' it out on the elliptical, and he totally did a double-take.

(Of my feet. He was probably like 80.)

Happy VD 2 U

It's Valentine's time once again, and, like last year, I'm here to provide you with some excellent greeting card ideas for your male counterpart. It was about twelve months ago now that I found myself in the Hallmark section at the local Target, SOBBING MY EYES OUT, over a card with a puppy and maybe even some heart balloons. And I was totally going to buy it for my husband. My Marine Corps husband who is, of course, super totally sensitive, but MY GOD WOMAN, not about fucking PUPPIES.

So I took things into my own hands and came up with my own line of Valentine's cards, designed to speak more directly to a man's heart, rather than a woman's.

Here's 2012's WitV exclusive line of Valentine's Day cards! Feel free to print them out and use them to fill that void in your marriage that you never new existed UNTIL THIS VERY MOMENT.

The card that says, "Hey, I'd still do you."

The card that says, "Your biological drive to provide is the key to my heart."

The card that says, "You always know how to make me laugh!"

And the card that says, "My love for you is unconditional."

Now go forth and consume chocolate, you crazy lovers!

On This Episode of Fact or Fiction...

Maybe I've been watching too much American Horror Story or something, but I'm starting to wonder if something isn't...off...in my life. Or, more specifically, I've been preoccupied with the thought that my house and family members are in fact currently possessed by something not-of-this-world that will probably result in my untimely (and likely bloody) demise.

And so, to be fair to my children, home, and husband, I wanted to utilize you guys to help me assess the situation with a more discerning (and less Holy Water) eye. So, I present to you the following scenarios. I only ask of you, dear reader, to identify those which are real and those which have only been seen in horror films.

No pressure or anything. I have the exorcist on hold.

Scenario #1

Scene: Kitchen at dusk. Mother enters the room to see her young child sitting in a dark corner, making unintelligible sounds.

Mom: Heeyyyy...buddy... [Advancing slowly toward the child.] ... whatchya doin' over there?

Son: [No response.]

Mom: [Still advancing slowly.] Kiddo?

Son: [Turns suddenly, enraged.] I HAVE TO DO THE NUMBEEEEEEEERS!

Scenario #2

Scene: Children's bedroom, late at night. The kids are asleep and the mother has entered to kiss them once more before retiring for the evening.

Mom: [Opens door, which makes a heinous creaking sound. Makes mental note to purchase WD-40 for the love of GOD.]

Something in room: [Tick, tick, tick...Tick, tick, tick...]

Mom: [Grabs child's glowworm as a flashlight and protector. Tiptoes fearfully toward the sound, which seems to be coming from the kid's dresser.]

Something in room: [Tick, tick, tick...Tick, tick, tick...]

Mom: [Shines glowworm at a large, heavy souvenir elephant carving that her husband has brought back from a foreign land.]

Something in room: [TICK, TICK, TICK...TICK, TICK, TICK...it continues to taunt her.]

Mom: [Picks up elephant slowly, terror in her eyes. The sound is coming FROM INSIDE THE ELEPHANT.]

Fade to black as child awakens to a figure standing over his bed, clutching a blunt object.

Scenario #3:

This exhibit of preschool artwork.

Mom: [Gulp.]

Skinny Jeans, Oh Skinny Jeans

I've tried really hard to get into the skinny jean trend. I especially loved how the slimmer leg enabled you to wear a pair of rain boots without looking like Huckleberry Finn or that odd girl in elementary school that always tucked her pants into her socks.

(That girl may have been me.)

Alas, sometimes love just ain't enough, and though I've purchased, tried on, and coveted many a make, model, and variety of skinny jeans, they never live up to the potential they claim to offer.

1. Classic skinny

The classic skinny jean is apparently one that is tight, but not too tight, and typically darker in wash. This is an example of what I've seen advertised:

A. slim, sexy waistline!
B. lifted, touchable buttox!
C. endlessly smooth fabric that refuses to bunch, bulge, or bounce!
D. perfectly tapered leg and ankle...these jeans were MADE for you, sex machine!

And this is what I got in the fitting room:

A: Store clerk: "Please put your shirt back on, ma'am."
B. "I think my thighs look better naked." [Eyeballs store clerk.]
C. odd bunching from the kneecap down that somehow ADDS bulk the thinnest part of your leg.
D. [Overheard shouting from the fitting room] OMG I HAVE CANKLES! (See also: yesterday's gym socks.)

2. Super-skinny

Surely the super-skinny model can fix those issues of bagginess and bunching, right? Just take a look at these space pants!

A. it's a smooth waistline!
B. and slimming thigh silhouette!
C. with endlessly smooth fabric!
D. that won't bunch, bulge or bounce!

RAWR!

Well.
Here's what I got:

A. I think this waistline just ruptured my spleen.
B. A fit so snug, everyone can see your dimply ass and thighs!
C. BUNCHING. IT'S STILL BUNCHING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
D. My ten-year-old Danskos.


3. Boyfriend skinny

Maybe the boyfriend skinny can save the day! It's supposed to look loose and bunchy, but still slims your silhouette! Pictures can't lie, amirite?

Actually, pictures are the goddamn devil, I tell you:

A. There's only one thing to assess here: HAMMER TIME. (Also: I seem to have grown a penis.)

(Splurging on some cute shoes could not even save this hot mess, unfortunately.)


4. Destroyed skinny

Maybe I just need to get in touch with my badass-rocker roots, right? Even if the fit isn't sublime, surely the tough look will boost my confidence! I am beautiful! I am sexy! I wear jeans that intentionally have holes in them and I pay top dollar for them too!

Erm...

A. whiskering that suggests an ill-fitting crotchal region.
B. Holes in pants that reveal where I cut myself shaving this morning. Oh, and look how cute my thigh BULGES OUT THROUGH THE HOLE WHEN I SIT DOWN OMFG.
C. My old Chucks will never be quite the same.

(Nor will I.)

5. Color skinny

But wait! I see something pretty! This season, the newest trend with the skinny jean is bold color! And, color is fun, if nothing else! It's like pasting some exclamation points on your damn thighs! And color is mood-boosting, is it not? Perhaps my desire to see the sunlight once again and have a BBQ in a backyard full of green, sprintime grass will overwhelm my flashbacks of drumstick thighs and wrinkled crotches?

Eh, probably not...

A. because I'm pretty sure I have a photo of myself wearing this exact outfit AT AGE FIVE.

I officially give up on the skinny jean. Kill this trend. Kill it with fire.

An American Tale (Scrunchie Edition)

As promised, here is the audio of both me and my (still) best friend Tabitha. We are singing Somewhere Out There from that Fievel movie. It's real. And it's spectacular.

And it features Dave Annable.





(I hope we can still be friends.)